Friday, February 20, 2009
President Obama's Hope Dwindles
In a strange turn of events, the formerly optimistic President Barack Obama has become depressed.
"I just don't know anymore," Obama softly muttered into the microphone at a press conference on Friday morning.
This comes as quite a shock to the American people and could have devastating effects, especially at a time when nation's emotional stability is so vulnerable.
Michael Groton, a 30-year-old dad from Richboro, Pennsylvania is surprised. "I am surprised," said Groton, when asked if he was surprised.
Obama's depression was first noticed by his wife Michelle earlier this week.
"I knew something was up on Monday," said Michelle. "I walked into the kitchen and he was eating oatmeal. Oatmeal. Barack never eats oatmeal. He always has two eggs sunny side up and turkey sausage. I said, 'What's wrong, baby?' and he just hung his head low and said, 'Oh..nuffin'.' He literally pronounced the word 'nothing' as if the 'th' were two 'f's' by saying, 'nuffin''. Later that day, I called Barack in to dinner. He said go away and rolled himself in the blanket of our bed. The next day, Tuesday, he just crawled around the house in the blanket. He seems incredibly depressed."
White House officials say they are currently working with the President to alleviate some of his depression.
"We're trying to tell him a lot of jokes and tickle him," said White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. "I hope it works. I'm not a doctor, but I think that is what we should do."
Whatever the case, it is imperative that Obama snaps out of this mental funk soon. The nation needs his optimistic oratory and hopeful speeches to return.
"We can't have a president who eats oatmeal, refuses dinner, and crawls around in a blanket," said Groton. "We need a president who does other stuff, like talk with nations and make plans on laws. Once we have that, an economic recovery can happen in bipartisan government. I know Obama won't stand for the earmarks of lobbyists, so I hope he can get it together. I have to go, though. I have been holding in a fart during this whole interview. Please don't print that in your story."