Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Something I Do Not Get

I do not get how Zach Randolph puts up lines like these:


It simply baffles me. He is so good, yet so bad. His athletic skills are akin to those of a chubby 8th grader, but he somehow manages to pull off double-doubles including tonight's line of 33 points, 18 boards, on 14-of-21 shooting. I have no words.

Watch this classic footage of Z-Bo on the Knicks:



That's all for now. Merry Christmas.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

NBA News & Notes (12/7/09)

December 7, 2009 marked Allen Iverson's return to the Philadelphia 76ers! How beautiful it was to see A.I. back in a Sixers uniform. I wish him well as he spends the twilight of his career on the team that drafted him. I will always love A.I. Take a look at the Sixers' starting lineup, looks pretty good to me!



Also, I'd like for you to take a look at this box score from the Utah vs. San Antonio game:



Matt Bonner exploded for 28 points! Somewhere, Brian Scalabrine is sitting in a dark room, crushing a Coke Zero can in his hand and saying, "I will upstage you, Bonner!"

That is it for now. Those are my NBA observations for today. Mostly, I am so happy A.I. is back and I wish good wishes for him and the Sixers!

Here is video of his return:

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Trebek Losing It?


Whether this is an indication of Trebek losing it or just his poor impression skills, you should watch.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Barack Obama Admits He Was "Never A Big Skateboarder"

In a recent political development, Barack Obama gave a startling response to a reporter's question.

When White House reporter Sam Langford asked the President if he skated as a kid, Barack Obama responded:

"No, not really. I was never a big skateboarder [as a kid]."


Mr. Langford followed up his first question with a second, asking whether the president thought Tony Hawk was cool.

Mr. Obama declined to answer the second question, but later the White House Spokesman issued a written response:

"Mr. Obama failed to answer the question regarding Tony Hawk because he, in his own words, 'had a major fart brewing' in his stomach and it distracted his thoughts. He later admitted that he does think Tony Hawk is cool. Mr. Obama's stomach is also now okay."

Mr. Langford is doing well, too. After the press conference where he asked Mr. Obama about skateboarding, Langford went home and ate "the best Granny Smith apple" of his life.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Problems With My Cable

All this indicates is that I have too much time on my hands...

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Congratulations, Yankees!

27. That is the record number of World Series the Yankees have won.

The Yankees won number 27 by defeating the 2008 World Champion Phillies - so number 27 was truly earned. Much credit has to be given to the Phillies who displayed poise, strength, fortitude, and many other respectable qualities during the 2009 season and postseason. Led by modern-day Ghengis Khan Charlie Manuel, the Phillies graciously handed over their victory wand to the Yankees.

And it is the Yankees I want to focus on here; not the praiseworthy Phillies. The Yankees. Let's show them some love! After nine years of searching their farm system for homegrown talent such as A-Rod, Matsui, Sabathia, Burnett, Teixeira, Damon, and even Swisher, they became World Champions again!

Now the Yankees may not be the richest team in baseball, but they sure are the best. They don't go willy-nilly spending money on free agents like some other teams (e.g., Red Sox). They are patient. They wait years - years without controversy - for their homegrown talent to develop.

The talent understands the situation, too. They know playing for the Yankees is a privilege, so they don't use their skills as leverage to increase their salaries. Look at Mark Teixeira. He [basically] said, "I am a great first baseman and I want to play in New York City. Sure, other teams may want me and want to pay me money, but I'd rather go to New York and have the honor of playing in pinstripes in front of the best fans in the world! I don't care how much I'm paid! I just want to play for New York!"

And don't get me started on A-Rod! Talk about a selfless saint. Living in New York can be tough..the spotlight is ALWAYS on you. Fortunately, A-Rod likes to live quietly, normally, and not stir up rumors or controversy. He, like Mr. Teixeira, also doesn't care about money.

"I just like to play baseball. I would do it for free if I could! But the Yankees forced me to take their money. I just want to play and not be famous! I wouldn't even care if I were ugly and my hair was messed up and not frosted..seriously, looks don't matter to me! Neither does money! I am an altruistic guy! I mean it! In fact, I am going to take the next year off from baseball and go to the Sudan to do work or something in a village!" said Alexander Rodriguez.

I have to cut this entry short because I have to go into work now, but I just want to close by saying Andy Petite has a major butt chin and the Yankees deserve their 27th World Series Championship! What they lack in ability to pay their players, they make up for in heart and soul and gritty baseball playin'!

Monday, November 2, 2009

World Series Game 5: Minute-by-minute Recap

(9:02 PM): It's the bottom of the third. Ryan Howard is up, Chase Utley is on 2nd base. There are no outs.

(9:03 PM): Full count - this could get interesting!

(9:04 PM): Burnett walked Howard. Now there are no outs, Howard is one 1st base and Utley is still on 2nd base. Right here I'd just like to comment on Howard's slimmed down physique. He looks much trimmer and I think if he can maintain whatever workout regimen he's currently on/has been on, he can prolong his major league career.

(9:06 PM): Jayson Werth is up. I like Werth. I used to let his chin hair get in the way of me liking him..but his performance has won me over.

(9:07 PM): As I was typing the above, Werth hit a ball right up the middle and scored Utley! It's now Phillies 4, Yankees 1. Yes! It's with plays like that that Werth makes me forget about his strip of chin hair.

(9:08 PM): Ibanez is up.

(9:08 PM): Same minute, Ibanez hits a single into right field. Howard scores. Yes! Phillies 5, Yankees 1. A.J. Burnett is now being taken out. This is exciting!

(9:09 PM): Commercial break. It's a Sears commercial. I think I might wrap up this blog post soon. It's not nearly as fun or as funny as I thought it'd be.

(9:11 PM): That commercial for BecomeAnEX.org came on. I now want to quit drinking and smoking.

(9:11 PM): The Yankees have decided to pitch someone, not sure who it is. Maybe Robertson? I will find out then update you.

(9:12 PM): Yes, it's Robertson. Not sure his first name. He's #30 and facing Pedro Feliz.

(9:13 PM): Is there something a bit off about Joe Girardi's face? It's kind of gaunt. Or at times I think he looks like a dinosaur. I don't think he looks like a dinosaur as much as Chris Bosh looks like a dinosaur. I've always found that to be a funny coincidence - that Chris Bosh looks like a Raptor and plays for the Toronto Raptors. Take a look.

(9:15 PM): Feliz popped out. Two outs, Cliff "Good Pitcher" Lee is up to bat. I realize it's more fun to blog about fun stuff rather than writing minute-by-minute updates about the game.

(9:16 PM): Cliff Lee hit an RBI single - Yes! Phillies 6, Yankees 1.

(9:18 PM): I really hope the Phillies can hang on and win this.

(9:19 PM): Is that gel in Chase Utley's hair or is it wet? And if it's wet, does he wet it throughout the game? Oh crap - "J-Ro" just struck out.

(9:19 PM): Joe Buck has a major butt-chin.

(9:21 PM): Oh GIVE ME A BREAK! There was just this crappy commercial for KFC that's trying to say they have a better deal than the $5 footlong. Yeah right!

(9:21 PM): What do you guys think of that commercial that features the cover off The Beatles' All You Need Is Love? That is, what do you think of the cover? I don't think it's anything to write home about.

(9:22 PM): Shane Victorino update: He is Hawaiian and his finger is not broken.

(9:23 PM): Charlie Manuel update: He is old. And he is a good manager.

(9:24 PM): Man, this is pretty boring to do. I think I'm really going to wrap it up soon.

(9:26 PM): How hot is Elisha Cuthbert? In that picture, she's not only hot but also looks like she'd be a snuggler. I could really waste a Saturday afternoon laying around with her. We could watch TV, talk, stuff like that..and other stuff too ;)

(9:27 PM): Cliff Lee pitched a scoreless inning!

(9:28 PM): Howie Long in commercial. Who is Howie Long? What does he even do? I know he played football..but I mean, what does he do in life? Does he have kids? Does he listen to music? What does he find funny? Jim Gaffigan's stand up?



(9:30 PM): This concludes my World Series Game 5: Minute-by-minute Recap blog post.

Thanks guys! Go Phillies!

Friday, October 30, 2009

My Brother

This is my brother Matt.

He is my older brother. Today he taught me how to change a flat tire. Matt and I get along. We didn't always, though. Sometimes when we were little we would fight. Matt won most of the time. He is a good brother. We even work together!

Matt is in a band. He likes music, he can cook well, and he drives a Toyota Avalon.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Apartment Search (Part 2)

I then wrote the next two..got a response..and wrote another:

4/20 - Me

7/23 - Me

8/14 - Eberhart Bros.

8/15 - Me

Apartment Search (Part 1)

This is the initial email I sent to Eberhart Bros. and their response...

4/10 - Me

4/10 - Eberhart Bros.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Apartment Search (Part 3)

This is the most recent in a series of emails I've written to Eberhart Bros., a real estate company in New York. Maybe at some point I'll post the previous letters (depending on the demand of you the reader). So..enjoy:

10/24 - Me

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Source Of Yard Art Discovered

As I was waiting for the m86 crosstown bus to arrive yesterday, I noticed a male figure resting on a pole. I then realized that he was the inspiration for this well-known Leaning Cowboy yard art! You know this one? It can sometimes be found in SkyMall magazine? Anyways, it was really neat to discover the inspiration for this famous lawn decoration silhouette. I snapped a pic of him, too. Enjoy.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Some Updates In My Virtual Life

Hello blog,

It has been a while since I posted. I would just like to take the time to list some links of new things I've put on the internet lately:

1) New celebrity sightings (updated 9/27/09)
2) New YouTube videos
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-BmofuXbbU (Stand Up)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rlXleOF524g (Music Video)

That's about it. Oh, and the other day, I had earned enough points (76) to get a FREE footlong (12") sub from Subway. It was great! I'll keep U posted.

-Jonh

Saturday, September 12, 2009

My Commercial Career Has Begun!

I am one step closer to my dream of being in a Bud Light (or other domestic light) beer commercial and/or a Pizza Hut (or Dominoes) commercial!

Mindflex

You might find it on the Mindflex homepage as well.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I Made This With Microsoft Paint


I thought of this T-shirt design while walking to Penn Station earlier today.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

This Is Why I Majored In Latin


Holy Toledo! This is from Jeopardy's College Championship. The answer was from the category Word Origins. The answer, Polygraph, is right. But the word's origin? Totally wrong! It's not Latin..it's Greek!

In Greek, poly means "many, much" and grapho means "to write". If it were a Latin word, it would be something like Multiscribo, or something like that..(multi= "many", scribo= "to write")

So..again..Holy Toledo! The judges on Jeopardy ought to be ashamed with themselves for this huge mistake. It might seem like I'm joking..and I half am..but when your show's premise is based on facts and accuracy, you can't let something like this slide. Golly..

Well, I hope that the Jeopardy CEO's read this blog and I get monetary compensation for correcting their mistake. That would be the first time I got paid for something related to my college major. Until they read this and pay me, I will continue to wait tables at the Bryant Park Grill and to bring Tuna Salad Sandwiches on Seven Grain Bread to businessmen on their lunch breaks/tourists from overseas.

-Johnny H

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Erroneous Terminology

From an email I sent to Time Warner after a frustrating conversation with one of their representatives:

Hello,

Why do you call the DTV package the digital package and the starter package not digital? They are the same, except the DTV package is just more channels. Why not call it the more channel package? That is what it is. It is confusing that it is called the digital package and it makes no sense. It is just the more channel for more money package. That is all. I think that is a better name. I am not a professional namer but I think I know a little bit about it. Thank you.


Sometimes you have to speak out for what's right.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Video & Life Update (ft. Strozzapreti)

I went home last week and I was able to put this together:



Other than the video, there are some neat things going on in my life. I worked a party for Michael Kors (?) last night which basically involved me in a black tie, white shirt, and black pants walking around, passing hors d'oeuvres, serving a strozzapreti dish, and then talking to the people as they came for dessert. It was easy, fun, and I got paid for it!

Hm, what else?

Nothing else. Until next time,

-Josh Hastins

Saturday, August 1, 2009

UPDATE!

Ok -

It is 12:43am on a Friday evening. I am currently sitting in boxer shorts and a polo shirt. I just watched Gran Torino (for the second time).

The real update here has to do with Regina Spektor (No, we're not dating..so don't go there! I wish we were, though). So anyways, I ended up watching some music videos of Regina Spektor on YouTube earlier today. BIG MISTAKE! It just made me more attracted to her! And I know what you're thinking - she is 29 years old. That's not a problem. I am 24. The age gap isn't too big. Sure, she probably prefers older, more mature/literary types. But that doesn't mean I can't think about her and watch videos of her on my computer.

Anyways, I'm really over this whole thing. I'm not in love..in fact, if someone were to ask me if I've ever been in love I don't know what I'd say! I'd probably either be honest and say "No" or else I'd get nervous and say some dumb joke like "Yes, I fell in love with my butt once". I don't know. Love is a great thing.

Gran Torino was good the second time around. A little more sad, but still good. But I have to sign off. It's almost 1am!

Don't worry! I'll be sure to update the blog soon. Thank you, Loyal Blog-ites, and have a good night!

-John Haskell

Friday, July 31, 2009

Greetings, Earthlings!

Loyal Blog-Readers,

How fares life for thee? Medieval speak aside, I am writing just to say that I have begun to upload some of my videos onto UCBComedy.com - something I am a little bit excited about for some odd reason. You can check them out here.

Anyways, that's about it for right now. I can't think of many other relevant life updates. OH! I did have a dream last night in which I made love to Regina Spektor. That was pretty cool. I don't think she'd ever date me, though. I mean, first of all..how would we ever meet? I don't think we frequent the same areas. Also, she's a successful artist and what do I have to offer her? I can't even cook. I'm a no good bumble butt..yes, I said it. A bumble butt. I'll probably never date Regina Spektor, let alone go out to a nice dinner with her just as friends and share a bottle of wine (still just as friends) and have a great conversation.

Whatever, I'm over it. There are so many more fish out there in the sea, you know? And I just read a stat somewhere the other day that the world is something like 95% water. Can you believe that? That is a lot of water. But I'm speaking of figurative "fishes" in figurative "seas" so..life goes on, right? Que sera, sera.

So check out the vids on UCBComedy.com!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Uptight Larry, Episode 5 - "A Date"



Also, check out Uptight Larry's own YouTube channel!

www.youtube.com/uptightlarry

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Celebrity Sightings Has Its Own Blog!

Check it out here!!!

Or at this Tiny URL: http://tiny.cc/v6gle

Kissez,

-J

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Tightly-Laced Athletic Shoes Part 2

Tightly-laced athletic shoes return. I spotted these on a male individual riding the 5 express train between Grand Central and 86th Street. The shoes were laced very tightly and the tube socks were scrunched down to complete the perfect look.

Friday, June 5, 2009

President Obama Gives Historic Speech In Cairo

President Obama gave an historic speech in Cairo yesterday. He touched on Islam, Israel, Hamas, Pakistan, Iraq, 9/11, and other things. It was an important speech and he delivered it well.

While in Cairo, Obama visited the Sphinx. He wore a Navy blue polo shirt tucked into light khaki, possibly linen pants. Vice President Biden wore a denim outfit and a hat to shield himself from the sun. Here is a picture.

Going back to the speech, it was an historic one and has got many people talking about foreign relations. However, probably the least talked about part of the speech might be what happened two and a half minutes into it. According someone who was there, Obama's stomach growled a little. It was nothing big, just a minor rumbling sound. The individual who is claiming to have heard Obama's stomach growl said that it wasn't the kind of growl that indicates hunger but it was the type of growl that indicates your stomach is upset, like when you have to poop.

Though this information is not 100% reliable and has not yet been confirmed, all signs point to the fact that President Obama had to take a poop during yesterday's speech in Cairo. He probably rushed to the Egyptian toilets after the speech to drop trou and, in Obama fashion, articulately and eloquently make a poop.

I know this blog entry may seem immature, but please don't accuse me of being immature. To use a well-known phrase, don't shoot the messenger! I'm just reporting facts and allegations that I've come across. Just take the information that I've provided you with here in this blog for what it's worth. All I can say is that Mr. Obama DID give a speech in Cairo, it WAS historic, he DID talk about Islam, his stomach MIGHT HAVE growled during the speech, and he DID rush with quick footsteps and stiff legs - as if trying to maintain composure - to the Egyptian bathrooms after the speech to go poop.

These are facts, this is news. Welcome to the real world, people.

John OUT

Call Off The Dogs - Kurt Loder Is Alive

As I was browsing the Google News stories today, I noticed in the Entertainment section that two of the top three articles were movie reviews from MTV.com written by Kurt Loder. The two movies he reviewed were The Hangover and Land Of The Lost.

I did not read his reviews. Rather I decided to write this blog entry to inform others who - like myself - assumed that Kurt Loder was dead.

Now I have to delete this picture that I created in 1999 and have stashed in between my mattress and box spring.


Also, wouldn't it be funny if his last name was "Lodder"? Kurt "Lodder"?

I think the MTV guy who is actually dead is John Norris. Now I'll have to create a picture of him with his birth and death dates on Microsoft Paint.

Microsoft Paint is the most professional program I use to edit pictures. Isn't that pretty bad?

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Good-looking Doctor Admits He Enjoys Smell Of Own Farts


A doctor with long hair recently admitted that he likes the smell of his own farts.

"I know that I look young, I know that my hair is long, I know that I have soft lips, and I know that I like to smell my own farts," the doctor said, unprompted by any questions pertaining farts or their smells.

The doctor went on to say that he didn't know how to use a stethoscope and that his favorite thing to do when he got home was to sit on the couch naked and watch Wheel Of Fortune.

The doctor, who refused to remain anonymous, is named Brett Cushner. He is expected to be fired early tomorrow morning.

"That is fine. Then I can focus on my true passion," he said with regard to the expected layoff.

What is his true passion?

"Looking good. Ha ha, no just kidding. I don't know. I think I want to be an actor or something. I don't know."

QED

###

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Tightly-Laced Athletic Shoes

This is one of my all-time favorite things. Tightly-laced athletic shoes with medium length ankle socks (preferably worn with khaki shorts by a male with semi-chubby/maybe-hairy legs). I spotted these today, so obviously it's been a good day!

What am I doing with my life?

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Clever Shirt

Today I got up and went down to the local corner store to pick up some milk. 1% Milk. On my way there, I passed a man in his early 40's wearing a green shirt with a pint of beer on it. The phrase "Irish Holy Water" was printed across the front of the shirt. It looked like this:



I got the joke. Irish people are notoriously big drinkers. Ireland also has a strong Catholic history. So it's a play on both of those things - Irish people's holy water is in fact beer. I thought it was funny.

I also thought it was funny that the gentleman wearing the shirt - a man in his early 40's, probably a dad (he looked well groomed, was wearing khaki shorts, and tightly laced athletic shoes) - woke up this morning and said to himself, "I am going to get dressed. What shirt would I like to wear? Oh, I will wear this green T-shirt that says 'Irish Holy Water' and has a pint of Guinness on it. The shirt that I payed money for. Yes, that will be what I will wear today."

Hey loyal readers, if you think that's weird, you know what's weirder? The fact that I'm taking time out of my day to write about this!

What am I doing with my life?

-John :P !!!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Now I have to choose a favorite?!


"Life is good." - Anonymous

We all know the saying, but it's not always true. Sometimes life is tough. And if you don't mind me comparing my life to a box of chocolates, it looks like I just picked out a poop chocolate.

That's right. While watching the NBA Playoffs on TNT, I learned that there is a new Tyler Perry sitcom on TBS: Meet the Browns. This wouldn't be a problem if I weren't already hooked to House of Payne. However, since I am hooked to the latter, the former presents me with an uncomfortable dilemma: pick a favorite.

Now you may think I'm being irrational here. I could like both shows, right? I don't know. I think that sounds difficult.

You also may be questioning my expertise in discerning between which show is my favorite, citing the fact that I've never watched a full episode of either show. I don't think that's fair, though. I've looked at the fronts of many books in my time and decided on whether or not to read them - and I think I've been pretty accurate with my decisions if I might say so myself.

So where does this leave me? It leaves me at an uncomfortable intersection. An intersection of a happy life in which just one TP show that I can jokingly follow exists and of a conflicted life where I have to jokingly choose between one of two TP shows.

Some may argue that this whole blog entry is irrelevant because if anyone is blogging at 1:20 AM on this specific topic, he or she cannot be taken seriously.

To that I say, "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley" (reference of The Office reference of Airplane!)

Monday, April 6, 2009

In Defense of Augustus


Lately I've been hearing a lot of comments such as the following:

"Caesar Augustus? Yeah, I know of him. What a dick."

Or:

"Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus - a good emperor? I don't think so!"

Comments such as these frustrate me. Why all of a sudden are many people openly criticizing one of the greatest politicians the world has ever seen? I mean, if you want to know all the things he did, you could check out the Res Gestae Divi Augusti; but he wrote that so it's obviously a little biased. So why don't you hear it from me? That is, let me tell you a few reasons why you or people you know should cut this guy a break and maybe even show him a little respect.



First of all, in 27 B.C., Octavian returned full power to the Roman Senate and relinquished control of the Roman provinces and their armies. Following that, he was given the names "Augustus" and "Princeps" and even awarded a golden shield with the words virtus, pietas, clementia, iustitia inscribed on it. Pretty neat, huh? Yeah, that's what I thought. If you think that is cool, check this out: In 23 B.C., Augustus was granted the power of a tribune!

Secondly, the guy was a great politician. Don't take my word for it, hear it straight from the academic source Wikipedia: "In 28 BC, he melted down 80 silver statues erected in his likeness and in honor of him, an attempt of his to appear frugal and modest" (Wikipedia).

Last but not least, the Prima Porta is an important statue and monument depicting him.

In conclusion, I think I've put to rest any arguments that critics of August may have. He may have died on August 19, A.D. 14, but his legacy lives on. So the next time I'm on the subway or in a deli and I hear the person next to me say, "Oh my gosh - Octavian was such a douchebag!", I will be very angry and probably direct that person to this blog entry.

Feel free to comment on this post with thoughts of your own regarding the great Roman emperor.

As for me, I'm out.

-JWH

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Local Man And Others Mad At AIG Bonuses


NEW YORK, NY - 45-year-old Vincent Sputari isn't just mad, he's "really mad".

"I'm really mad at what is going on with AIG and these bonuses," said Sputari, the manager of a local Italian pizzeria.

According to Sputari, the Wall Street executives are getting bonuses they don't deserve.

"They're not out there busting their butts. They're not in hot kitchens making pizzas. They're sitting in their temperate offices, taking cash from people like me and you. Where's my bonus? I cooked eight pepperoni pizzas yesterday, I didn't see any bonuses. It's like Bernie Madoff, you know? Bailout plan and a recession. The economy."

Mr. Sputari seems to be the voice of an outraged American middle class. Many share similar sentiments concerning what is going on with AIG.

Shirley Ritzman, a local CVS clerk, had this to say when asked whether the AIG executives' bonuses should be taxed and redistributed to the American people: "Yes, I think that should happen."

Ms. Ritzman was backed up by fellow CVS cashier and aspiring musical artist Shane Manning.

"Oh yeah. That should definitely happen, man. I could use the cash, you know?" said Manning.

Manning, Ritzman, and Sputari are part of a growing number of American middle class citizens who are voicing their overgeneralized, sensationalized, relatively-unsubstantiated-by-fact opinions regarding the current state of the economy, the goverment's actions, and other current event stuff. Sputari is hopeful that his voice and the voices of his fellow citizens can help change the state of things in the U.S. and the world right now, but he is also still acutely aware of the day's pizza orders.

"Yes, I feel I am making a difference by voicing my opinion," said Sputari. "But I have to go now. I just received word that we have three pizzas to make. One is a large white pizza - you know, just cheese and garlic? Then we have two of the same: medium thin crust pizzas with sausage, peppers, and onions. I have to go make them."

Sputari then proceeded to walk furtively towards the back kitchen, keeping a close eye on any customers observing him. He paused for a moment, looked a bit nervous, and then finally - unprompted - yelled to everyone in the pizzeria, "Okay! Fine! So I farted. Big deal. It's not like any of you don't fart. I got nervous with the questions this stupid reporter was asking me. The stupid idiot reporter. He made me fart. He made me fart in my butt!"

Sputari then attempted to run out of his restaurant but slipped on a greasy piece of pepperoni and fell on his backside in a silly fashion.

Despite the strange turn of events that took place during this interview, the fact remains that many Americans are upset with the AIG bonuses.

###

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Music & Robot Voices I've Created!

Click on the following links for:


Main music profile page!


My Podcast!

I update this very infrequently and the quality of music is very poor. But it's all done by me! Navigate around if you feel so inclined (i.e., if you are doing nothing productive with your life).

Fart noise,

-JWH69XX

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Flattering Write-up!


Check it out, a cool write-up about me! You can see more at the Stand Up New York blog: Music Is A Joke


Act 2 - John Haskell

John Haskell - Robots and Geico!”

Our second semi-finalist John Haskell came to the stage with his idiots guide to “Reality TV” shows. However, as is usual for this talented young man, he got it all wrong, prompting judge Scott Gray to ask him if his Google was broken. An unusual geeky type, he always comes to the stage with his personal theme song, the crazy thing is it is never the same theme song.

Usually his sets start with some dis-embodied robot (a fan favorite) but this time the robot was not there. But midway through his set, the robot did chime in and let John know that it had just saved a ton of money on it’s car insurance by switching to Geico, then it gave a birthday shout out to Rokkie Gray, and went away obviously distraught at having been cut short by John.

Then John decided to do his “Punked” segment, and his set by improvising some songs with the audience’s reality tv suggestions.

You should really check out his set, here.

Friday, February 20, 2009

President Obama's Hope Dwindles


In a strange turn of events, the formerly optimistic President Barack Obama has become depressed.

"I just don't know anymore," Obama softly muttered into the microphone at a press conference on Friday morning.



This comes as quite a shock to the American people and could have devastating effects, especially at a time when nation's emotional stability is so vulnerable.

Michael Groton, a 30-year-old dad from Richboro, Pennsylvania is surprised. "I am surprised," said Groton, when asked if he was surprised.

Obama's depression was first noticed by his wife Michelle earlier this week.

"I knew something was up on Monday," said Michelle. "I walked into the kitchen and he was eating oatmeal. Oatmeal. Barack never eats oatmeal. He always has two eggs sunny side up and turkey sausage. I said, 'What's wrong, baby?' and he just hung his head low and said, 'Oh..nuffin'.' He literally pronounced the word 'nothing' as if the 'th' were two 'f's' by saying, 'nuffin''. Later that day, I called Barack in to dinner. He said go away and rolled himself in the blanket of our bed. The next day, Tuesday, he just crawled around the house in the blanket. He seems incredibly depressed."

White House officials say they are currently working with the President to alleviate some of his depression.

"We're trying to tell him a lot of jokes and tickle him," said White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. "I hope it works. I'm not a doctor, but I think that is what we should do."

Whatever the case, it is imperative that Obama snaps out of this mental funk soon. The nation needs his optimistic oratory and hopeful speeches to return.

"We can't have a president who eats oatmeal, refuses dinner, and crawls around in a blanket," said Groton. "We need a president who does other stuff, like talk with nations and make plans on laws. Once we have that, an economic recovery can happen in bipartisan government. I know Obama won't stand for the earmarks of lobbyists, so I hope he can get it together. I have to go, though. I have been holding in a fart during this whole interview. Please don't print that in your story."

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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Andy Reid Admits Being Distracted By Thoughts of Beef Stroganoff


After the Eagles' 32-25 loss to the Arizona Cardinals in Sunday night's NFC Championship game, head coach Andy Reid admitted that thoughts of Beef Stroganoff adversely affected his coaching abilities.



"Around the fourth quarter, I began to think about my next meal. I considered various dishes, but ultimately concluded that Beef Stroganoff - the classic Russian dish featuring sauteed pieces of beef served in a sauce with sour cream - would be the tastiest," said Reid in the post-game press conference.

This is not the first time Reid has been distracted by thoughts of food during a game. In fact, it has happened in every game ever during his tenure with the Eagles organization.

"I just get hungry and start thinking about food. It stinks," said Reid.

When asked if he had ever been distracted by thoughts of a cheesy piece of pizza, Reid responded with both candor and humor.

"No...yes!" said Reid with a giant smile on his face. "That was like Doug and Steve Butabi from 'A Night at the Roxbury' when they're asked if they're brothers! That's my second favorite movie of all time - no question about it."

Reid went on for another five minutes listing his favorite movies until a reporter cut him off and got him back on track by asking him a simple question about the NFC Championship game.

What do Reid's players think of his functionally incapacitating thoughts of food?

"That's just who he is," said Eagles running back Brian Westbrook. "It is what it is. I'm a soldier and I just have to keep going into every game like it's a battle. Coach is our sergeant. We've got the artillery necessary to win in the trenches, but it is what it is."

There is no doubt that the Eagles suffered an agonizing defeat on Sunday, and it has only been made more agonizing since Reid revealed his distracting thoughts about Beef Stroganoff. The off-season will be long and the Eagles will have to address many issues as an organization, but Reid seems confident this most recent coaching shortcoming of his won't cost him his job.

"Why would I lose my job? Is it a crime to think of Beef Stroganoff? No way, bro! Whatever. I don't even care anymore. You guys can suck it. I look like a fat walrus. Reid is out, y'all!"

Friday, January 9, 2009

Old Video Series

This is a link to my YouTube site that has the series which J.D. Swerzenski and I started but never finished:

Me & J.D.'s Series: "John Haskell: Stand-Up Comedian"

Oh 'twas a fun time shooting these..