Saturday, November 8, 2008

A New Low for Americans

Greetings Loyal Blog-Readers,

As you know, this past week was an historic week for America. On November 4, 2008, Barack Obama becamse the first African American president of the United States. This was a great indicator that America is slowly but surely moving in the right direction and showed that the vile grip of discrimination which once so strongly held our country captive is loosening.

However, on November 7, 2008, a middle-aged female contestant on the daytime version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (hosted by Meredith Vieira) was forced to use a lifeline on the following $2,000 question:

"Which author once said, 'There isn't any symbolism. The sea is the sea. The old man is the old man.'"

Out of Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Faulkner, and (I believe) Twain, the contestant had to phone a friend.

Why was I watching this? If you want the truth, I was riding a stationary bike at the YMCA and it was the only thing on that I could watch and understand without using headphones. But this is besides the point.

The point I am trying to make, America, is don't be deceived by the magnanimous event that took place this past week (i.e., Obama's victory). There are blatant problems that exist in our country that need fixing; namely, increasing the average citizen's knowledge of famous novels and their respective authors.

In closing, I'd like to point out that the new version of WWTBAM is not nearly as good as the original primetime version ft. Regis Philbin. And, quite frankly, I don't think any show ever will be. So basically, life is all down hill from here...

-JWH

Wednesday, November 5, 2008


Take a look here. It is a classic case study of the political divide. Well actually..in this picture, there is a political merge. Here on the subway, one liberal man is seated next to a conservative. Notice the "Obama" pin, scruffy facial hair, unkempt button up white shirt, floppy hair, and quasi-overweight look of the liberal. While the older conservative has a khaki raincoat (it was not raining this day), the newspaper, a standard haircut, and an average/frail frame. There is no point to this photo other than to display the intersection of two commonly polarized political persons.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Not to turn this into a sports blog, but...

I dislike Chad Durbin.

There, I said it. The monkey's out of the bottle (Pineapple Express). He just lost another game for the Phillies. The man has 6 blown saves so far this year. He is a loser. He is a stupid. Here is a picture of him in street clothes..what a loser.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Reasons the Phillies should win the NL East:

** Please Note: I started writing this blog and then noticed that my first 4 points involved the player’s name. This was unintentional, but any point after the fourth involving the name of a player was done so consciously.

1. Their best player, 2B Chase Utley, has a triple-play first name: it is both a noun, a verb, and the title of a bank. Some may choose to disregard this stunning nomenclatural feat by claiming that his surname, Utley, has seemingly no etymology or cultural origins. Despite these nay-sayers (often Mets fans), the fact remains that Chase Utley’s first name has [at least] three functions. And he has a rugged sexiness to boot.

2. Their second best player, 1B Ryan Howard, has the oft-coveted “double-first-name name”. That is, both Ryan and Howard can be first names. I attribute this fact to his leading the NL in home runs and RBIs. Also note that his name is the same as Michael Scott’s former intern-turned-boss-turned-coke addict from NBC’s The Office.

3. Their best pitcher, Cole Hamels, has a name in which both the first and last parts are strange. He doesn’t let this get to his head, however. He throws the ball fast and wins a decent amount of games.

4. Jayson Werth modestly changed the spelling of him last name from “Worth” to “Werth”. His worth to the team right now is almost invaluable. It would be like if his name had been “Jayson Value” and he changed it to “Jayson Velue”. Thankfully, “Worth” and “Werth” are homophones so Jayson’s admirable attempt at modesty is obvious. Caught ya’, Jayson - but keep up the good “werk” ;)

5. Jamie Moyer is getting very old.

6. Pat “The Bat” Burrell will not help them win. I should not have included him on this list. For some reason I just don’t have too much confidence in the guy. He puts up good numbers and I have no statistical or objective evidence to say that he does not help the team win/pull through in the clutch, but I am basing all of this on my feelings. I've always enjoyed this picture of him however.

7. The re-birth of closer Brad Lidge. This man has been on fire this year, converting (I think) 33 or so consecutive save opportunities this year? I would double check this fact, but I am currently writing this without an internet connection (and chances are once I copy it into my blog, I will be too lazy to check the fact). Who knows. Whatever the case, as long as Lidge stays hot, the Phillies can glide on his wings. Wait a minute: Glide? Lidge? Anagram? Weird

8. Charlie Manuel. Though most columnists or bloggers choose to focus on the firmness and nice form of his butt, I’d like to take a look at this guy’s ability to coach. Manuel has an advantage having played alongside some greats from the past such as Babe Ruth and Stegosaurus. If you don’t get it by now, I am making an ‘old’ joke. OK - maybe that was a cheap shot at humor, but at least I involved a dinosaur in this one, so it’s educational, yeah? Archaeology. So, don’t knock the importance of a proper education.

9. I didn’t mention Rollins, Victorino, or the ghost of Lenny Dykstra - but they are still reasons I feel the Phillies should win the NL East.

In conclusion, loyal blog readers, if you take anything away from this, let it be that I have way too much time on my hands today as I sit at a table in an AP’s office at a school with my laptop and no internet connection. I have been here since 8am (it is now 2:10pm). My eyes started to do the thing where they get heavy and start closing and my head started to slowly fall simultaneously, only to jerk up quickly once it sunk too low. This happened at about 1:50pm and I decided I needed to do something to stay awake. This is all that came to my mind. Living the dream (Pollock/Greene 2k7). I wish I were at Bay’s.

Peace, love, and ROCK N’ ROLL :P

- John

Monday, August 18, 2008

Mythbusters

Greetings loyal blog readers,

I am pleased to say that I have returned to the blogosphere. For a while I had been out of the blogosphere and actually doing things in real life (ugh, real life is for losers). But now I am making the effort to avoid physical social interactions and stick to verbal and virtual communication instead.

That said, let me take some time to debunk a few myths and to dispel (or to confirm) some rumors that probably arose during my absence:

Myth #1) John Haskell died.

- Now in a literal sense, this is simply untrue. I am quite alive and well, at the moment. If the myth were to be interpreted figuratively - like if someone were to say, "Eddie Murphy is dead," with respect to his film career or relevance to society - then I will say there is some truth to the myth. That is, I may have figuratively died for a while in that I spent over a month at St. John's University in Queens waking up at 5 AM, teaching during the day, then lesson planning at night until 2 AM and as a result was isolated from society (I couldn't even check Facebook or the New York Times Crossword Puzzle on a regular basis...). So in sum, did I literally die? No. Figuratively? Perhaps.

*N.B. I do not necessarily think that Eddie Murphy's career is over or that he is not relevant to American society/pop culture - these are just things I have heard people say.

Myth #2) John Haskell, despite lots of intense professional work this summer and the inevitability of aging and maturing throughout life, still laughs at fart jokes and robot jokes.

- This is not a myth at all, but a statement of the blatant truth. I'm not sure what it is, but well-timed flatulence joke and a solid android/cyborg/robot joke still get me every time. Does this mean I am not mature? Should this be a red flag that signals some type of stunted growth in my mind's development? Yes and yes. Absofruitly. But I don't know how to change it, so deal with it.

Myth #3) John Haskell beat Criss Angel in a game of one-on-one basketball.

- Fact.



Myth #4) John Haskell stopped drinking coffee and doesn't eat sandwiches for over 95% of his meals.

- Do chickens all of a sudden stop having thin legs and beaks? Absolutely not. It is with that analogy that I am trying to say this myth is completely unfounded. Since the cessation of coffee drinking would lead directly to a loss of my own manhood, I still drink coffee. And since the thought of a good turkey sandwich is what gets me up and out of bed almost every day, I still eat sandwiches for over 95% of my meals.

In closing, I hope I have cleared up some of the confusion that may have arisen during my absence from the blogosphere. I am very happy to be back and look forward to updating it on a more regular basis. Future topics might include sports, entertainment, politics, and/or other broad topics that are usually found as tabs on news websites.

Thank you for taking the time to check this out, loyal blog readers - I know that all of you have been waiting for this! It must feel like a little kid who rides in the car with his mom to the bank and is bored, but eventually discovers that he gets a lollipop from the bank - Mm!

Until my next entry, live life, love life, and remember that our time here is short so embrace the beauty of the world and its inhabitants.

Sincerely,
Yours Truly

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Heartbreak and Depression Consume My Morning Web-Browsing

There is nothing worse than waking up to the news that the one you love has gotten engaged:



Yes, it's true: this is exactly what happened to me this morning. Scarlett Johansson, 23, is now engaged to Ryan Reynolds, 31, although a wedding date has not yet ben set.

Don't do it Scarlett. Let's look at the pros and cons for me and Ryan.

Me: I am 23 years old like you (pro), Michael Jordan was number 23 (pro), Jim Carrey was in a movie called "23" (con), I think you're hot (pro), I only own an Xbox, not an Xbox 360 (con), I just saved a bunch of money by switching my car insurance to Geico (joke..so, pro).

Ryan Reynolds: He is an idiot (con), he dated Alanis Morissette (con), he was in Van Wilder (pro), his facial
scruff has been rumored as being too scratchy (con).

When you add up the pros and subtract the cons from them, I end up with a score of +2 and Reynolds ends up with -2. QED.

I'm just saying - Scarlett, if you're reading this (which you probably are), take a look at the objective, factual data I have presented as for why you should not proceed any further in this "relationship" with Ryan Reynolds.

In the meantime I am going to be in my room listening to My Chemical Romance.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Wikipedia pages that I have made edits to so far...

***Note: This list is here both for me to remember and keep track of my edits (so I can look back on them from time to time and laugh) and also for any of my [many] loyal blog readers who wish to check out the edits I have made. In short, it's kind of a personal "Wikipedia edit" inventory I am posting in a public domain.

1. "Andy Azula"
- Azula has received some criticism for his UPS Whiteboard advertisements...
2. "House of Payne"
- The show is well-known for its frequent advertisements...
3. "Reggie Evans"
- Evans quickly became a fan favorite in Philadelphia...
4. "Gerald Green"
- Green's career up to this point...

Friday, May 2, 2008

The Thoughts of a Masculist...


Ugh - for those of you who know me, you probably are already aware of my hypersensitive attention to issues of gender and sex. For those of you who don't know me, I wonder why/how you are reading this.

Anyways, there has been a commercial running the past few weeks that has disgusted me. It is an ad by Taco Bell for its new menu item, the Bacon Club Chalupa. Now I do not have any preexisting negative feelings toward Taco Bell or its ad campaign. Moreover, I have even enjoyed many of Taco Bell's past advertisements (e.g., the cute chihuahua who spoke Spanish). What I witnessed in this new ad, however, is neither cute nor canine nor even Spanish..what is the new ad? Blatantly sexist (against males). And as a huge masculist, I must protest and bring this atrocity to light.

In the ad, two good looking girls go to a night club where, according to one of the girls, "so many cute guys" are hanging out. The blonde female smells bacon, and the brunette with whom the blonde came reveals that she has hidden a Bacon Club Chalupa in her purse. Why? "Guys love bacon," she explains. Ew - the nerve to assume that all guys will just flock to bacon!? The commercial pushes the limit (and my nerves) further when 3 males immediately show up to the girls' table and say hello. I inferred from this ad (as it was clearly implying) that the men showed up because of the scent of bacon.

I think that I am speaking for a majority of males when I say that this ad is offensive and Taco Bell ought to rethink its latest ad campaign and show some sensitivity towards males. Until I see an ad where women flock to men at a bar because one has chocolate, sewing needles, and a full season of Sex and the City in his pocket - I think that Taco Bell has only succeeded in offending males.

Watch the ad.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

A Hierarchy of Sandwich Spreads

Hierarchy of Sandwich Spreads
with a foreword by John Haskell

Hi. First of all, thank you for taking some time to read my latest blog entry. I hope that you learn something from it.

Now let's get down to business. In this blog entry I hope to provide you with my personal hierarchy of sandwich spreads. This may raise several questions in the minds of the readers. What constitutes a sandwich spread? Why is this important [to me]? Good questions. The answers to each are a sandwich spread can be made up of anything that is able to be spread upon some type of bread by a knife and this list ("hierarchy") is important [to you] because I feel that my personal opinions about fairly irrelevant matters should be shared with and adopted by the masses. So without any further ado, here is my hierarchy of sandwich spreads:

1a. Chipotle Mayo (preferably with Turkey)
1b. Cream Cheese (obviously with Lox on a bagel; do not be afraid to vary the style of cream cheese, either; for example, lite veggie and lite jalapeno cream cheeses go quite well with Lox on a bagel)
2. Guacamole (again, Turkey is an optimal main meat complement)
3. Regular Mustard (Roast Beef, Turkey, and Ham are all good main meats)
4. Good quality/Jewish/Kosher/Deli Style Spicy Brown Mustard (see 5)
5. Horseradish Spread (Excellent with Roast Beef)
6. Cranberry Mayo (A rarity - but excellent with Turkey; really gives a sandwich that "Thanksgiving Feast" feel)
7. Basil Pesto (Have not had that often, but have encountered it being offered at many places; it seems to be well-liked by patrons of sandwiches and goes well with chicken)

The above list would not be complete if I failed to mention that you should not settle for a sandwich with a simple and plain mayonnaise spread. You can do better than that. It's like, if someone were to offer you a pizza with pepperoni or a pizza with crap on it, you would select the pizza with pepperoni. In this example, the pizza with crap on it is comparable to a sandwich with simple and plain mayonnaise. Thus I have just proved (using logic and facts) why a sandwich with one of the above spreads is better. I hope this helps you not only in your culinary expeditions but also in all other areas of life. If you've made it this far in this entry, you have almost as much free time on your hands as I did to have written this. Thank you and God Bless.

- Jhizzle

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

John Haskell's Arbitrary Movie List for 4/15/2008


Sometimes nothing is better than curling up in front of the TV with family or friends and watching a good movie! If you plan on viewing a movie sometime in the next week or so, here is a list of 3 movies you might want to check out. All movies are judged according to length (in minutes), quality, casting, acting, denouement, and likability.

1) Wild Hogs: When director Walt Becker decided to cast Tim Allen, John Travolta, Martin Lawrence, and William H. Macy as the co-stars of this 100-minute film, some considered it, "one of the greatest groups of actors this century [21st] and all other previous centuries have ever witnessed - an amalgam of professional thespian talent" (Haskell, 2008). This is the perfect movie to watch on a date (preferably a first date); it tells the individual whom you are courting, "Although I am nice, I also have a wild side that is not afraid to shred the figurative road of life." So take a walk on your wild side and watch this crowd-pleaser.

2) Are We Done Yet?: It is quite rare for a sequel to equal or surpass the quality of its original. However director Steven Carr's adaptation of Hank Nelken's brilliant screenplay/story does just that. When Ice Cube (the actor/rapper, not the frozen polygon of water) decides to move with his family to a dream home in the suburbs, insanity ensues. Just when you think nothing else can go awry for Ice Cube and his family as they struggle to adjust to their new home..something goes wrong! This 92-minute film released on April 4, 2007 has already stood the test of one year's time as a classic film and appears headed towards cinematic immortality. (N.B. Despite the fact that the main user comment on AWDY's imdb.com page reads, "Didn't laugh once," remember that thoughts and opinions on the internet must be scrutinized thoroughly before being accepted as valid/credible).

3) M.V.P. 2 (Most Vertical Primate): Not to be confused with its prequel, M.V.P. (Most Valuable Primate), this film is similar to Are We Done Yet in that it follows up (if not exceeds) its original in quality. The film begins with the lovable monkey, Jack, being ousted from his hockey team after he is falsely accused of league misconduct. Instead of turning to fermented bananas like many monkeys do during times of distress, Jack meets a homeless skateboarder named Ben who teaches him the art of shredding. A monkey in a half-pipe!? You're joking, right? Wrong: It happens. And while either the majority of Americans have either not seen this movie or have seen it and consider it disappointing at best, there are a select few who have both seen it and enjoyed it - considering the only disappointing thing is that this film did not win an Oscar. The film runs only 87 minutes and leaves only one question unanswered at the end: Why isn't it longer? Do yourself a favor and check out this funky monkey flick this week!

This concludes my first weekly Arbitrary List of Personal Favorites. If you get a chance to check this movies out, please don't thank me - I didn't make them, I just have an eye for quality films. Stay tuned for more arbitrary lists of mine - I will keep them coming as long as the demand for them remains high.

Namaste,
John

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Looking ahead to both my immediate and long-term plans..

Bam (cf. Emeril Lagasse voice)! What is up my dogs? When last we left off (less than 48 hours ago), I was making a pledge to blog more - so here we go:

A few things have been on my mind lately. One is the 2008 U.S. presidential election. If you'd like some really good insight into many of the matters that lie at the heart of the race, this is a good place to start.

I'm also looking forward to Spring Break 2k8 (SB2k8) - although I'm really just serving an extended spring break in San Antonio this spring. SB2k8 will include a snowboarding excursion in Colorado followed immediately by a weekend getaway filled with debauchery, sand, dudes, bros, chicks, beer, frats, sororities and any other stereotypical terms that can be associated with South Padre Island. Oh heck yes, it should be a good time.

Well..actually I don't have much to blog about today - I really just wanted to post a link to the video above and let my loyal blog followers know of my upcoming "spring break" plans. The title of this blog is misleading, too. I don't discuss any long-term plans on mine. I'm sure they will come in a subsequent blog (rest assured, loyal blog readers!) - so you will be able to know of my plans which should help you to relax.

So I am about to pour a good cup of coffee, chill for a little on the computer, play some basketball and then go wherever the wind takes me. Like a tumbleweed, I flow with the fluctuations of the wind and know not where I will be from one moment to the next. Rather I just gently glide along singing merrily the elfin songs of yore and listening to the rhythm of the pan pipes.

N.B. I'm not high right now.

Love,

Yours Truly

Monday, March 3, 2008

Breaking My Figurative Blog-Fast

Alright boys and girls, I've been "out tha game" for a while now. "What game is he talking about?" you might be asking. If you are, I'm talking about the game of blogging. "Is blogging actually a 'game'?" you may now be wondering. Again if you are, I'm not sure - but I'm not here to argue semantics or any other type of language bullshit - I'm just here to talk facts about life. "What are some topics that fall under 'facts about life'?" you could be asking yourselves. I'm glad you asked, too, because here's a list of potential topics that I might touch upon in future blog entries: love , people who are annoying , people who rule, the importance of friends, why fart jokes are funny, the depressing realities of growing up,robots, aliens, my awkward daily experiences , and more. In other words, it is going to be a hella good time.

I look forward to it - I hope you all do too.

Always with love,

Yours truly