Wednesday, April 30, 2008

A Hierarchy of Sandwich Spreads

Hierarchy of Sandwich Spreads
with a foreword by John Haskell

Hi. First of all, thank you for taking some time to read my latest blog entry. I hope that you learn something from it.

Now let's get down to business. In this blog entry I hope to provide you with my personal hierarchy of sandwich spreads. This may raise several questions in the minds of the readers. What constitutes a sandwich spread? Why is this important [to me]? Good questions. The answers to each are a sandwich spread can be made up of anything that is able to be spread upon some type of bread by a knife and this list ("hierarchy") is important [to you] because I feel that my personal opinions about fairly irrelevant matters should be shared with and adopted by the masses. So without any further ado, here is my hierarchy of sandwich spreads:

1a. Chipotle Mayo (preferably with Turkey)
1b. Cream Cheese (obviously with Lox on a bagel; do not be afraid to vary the style of cream cheese, either; for example, lite veggie and lite jalapeno cream cheeses go quite well with Lox on a bagel)
2. Guacamole (again, Turkey is an optimal main meat complement)
3. Regular Mustard (Roast Beef, Turkey, and Ham are all good main meats)
4. Good quality/Jewish/Kosher/Deli Style Spicy Brown Mustard (see 5)
5. Horseradish Spread (Excellent with Roast Beef)
6. Cranberry Mayo (A rarity - but excellent with Turkey; really gives a sandwich that "Thanksgiving Feast" feel)
7. Basil Pesto (Have not had that often, but have encountered it being offered at many places; it seems to be well-liked by patrons of sandwiches and goes well with chicken)

The above list would not be complete if I failed to mention that you should not settle for a sandwich with a simple and plain mayonnaise spread. You can do better than that. It's like, if someone were to offer you a pizza with pepperoni or a pizza with crap on it, you would select the pizza with pepperoni. In this example, the pizza with crap on it is comparable to a sandwich with simple and plain mayonnaise. Thus I have just proved (using logic and facts) why a sandwich with one of the above spreads is better. I hope this helps you not only in your culinary expeditions but also in all other areas of life. If you've made it this far in this entry, you have almost as much free time on your hands as I did to have written this. Thank you and God Bless.

- Jhizzle

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

John Haskell's Arbitrary Movie List for 4/15/2008

Sometimes nothing is better than curling up in front of the TV with family or friends and watching a good movie! If you plan on viewing a movie sometime in the next week or so, here is a list of 3 movies you might want to check out. All movies are judged according to length (in minutes), quality, casting, acting, denouement, and likability.

1) Wild Hogs: When director Walt Becker decided to cast Tim Allen, John Travolta, Martin Lawrence, and William H. Macy as the co-stars of this 100-minute film, some considered it, "one of the greatest groups of actors this century [21st] and all other previous centuries have ever witnessed - an amalgam of professional thespian talent" (Haskell, 2008). This is the perfect movie to watch on a date (preferably a first date); it tells the individual whom you are courting, "Although I am nice, I also have a wild side that is not afraid to shred the figurative road of life." So take a walk on your wild side and watch this crowd-pleaser.

2) Are We Done Yet?: It is quite rare for a sequel to equal or surpass the quality of its original. However director Steven Carr's adaptation of Hank Nelken's brilliant screenplay/story does just that. When Ice Cube (the actor/rapper, not the frozen polygon of water) decides to move with his family to a dream home in the suburbs, insanity ensues. Just when you think nothing else can go awry for Ice Cube and his family as they struggle to adjust to their new home..something goes wrong! This 92-minute film released on April 4, 2007 has already stood the test of one year's time as a classic film and appears headed towards cinematic immortality. (N.B. Despite the fact that the main user comment on AWDY's page reads, "Didn't laugh once," remember that thoughts and opinions on the internet must be scrutinized thoroughly before being accepted as valid/credible).

3) M.V.P. 2 (Most Vertical Primate): Not to be confused with its prequel, M.V.P. (Most Valuable Primate), this film is similar to Are We Done Yet in that it follows up (if not exceeds) its original in quality. The film begins with the lovable monkey, Jack, being ousted from his hockey team after he is falsely accused of league misconduct. Instead of turning to fermented bananas like many monkeys do during times of distress, Jack meets a homeless skateboarder named Ben who teaches him the art of shredding. A monkey in a half-pipe!? You're joking, right? Wrong: It happens. And while either the majority of Americans have either not seen this movie or have seen it and consider it disappointing at best, there are a select few who have both seen it and enjoyed it - considering the only disappointing thing is that this film did not win an Oscar. The film runs only 87 minutes and leaves only one question unanswered at the end: Why isn't it longer? Do yourself a favor and check out this funky monkey flick this week!

This concludes my first weekly Arbitrary List of Personal Favorites. If you get a chance to check this movies out, please don't thank me - I didn't make them, I just have an eye for quality films. Stay tuned for more arbitrary lists of mine - I will keep them coming as long as the demand for them remains high.