Not to turn this into a sports blog, but...

I dislike Chad Durbin.

There, I said it. The monkey's out of the bottle (Pineapple Express). He just lost another game for the Phillies. The man has 6 blown saves so far this year. He is a loser. He is a stupid. Here is a picture of him in street clothes..what a loser.

Reasons the Phillies should win the NL East:

** Please Note: I started writing this blog and then noticed that my first 4 points involved the player’s name. This was unintentional, but any point after the fourth involving the name of a player was done so consciously.

1. Their best player, 2B Chase Utley, has a triple-play first name: it is both a noun, a verb, and the title of a bank. Some may choose to disregard this stunning nomenclatural feat by claiming that his surname, Utley, has seemingly no etymology or cultural origins. Despite these nay-sayers (often Mets fans), the fact remains that Chase Utley’s first name has [at least] three functions. And he has a rugged sexiness to boot.

2. Their second best player, 1B Ryan Howard, has the oft-coveted “double-first-name name”. That is, both Ryan and Howard can be first names. I attribute this fact to his leading the NL in home runs and RBIs. Also note that his name is the same as Michael Scott’s former intern-turned-boss-turned-coke addict from NBC’s The Office.

3. Their best pitcher, Cole Hamels, has a name in which both the first and last parts are strange. He doesn’t let this get to his head, however. He throws the ball fast and wins a decent amount of games.

4. Jayson Werth modestly changed the spelling of him last name from “Worth” to “Werth”. His worth to the team right now is almost invaluable. It would be like if his name had been “Jayson Value” and he changed it to “Jayson Velue”. Thankfully, “Worth” and “Werth” are homophones so Jayson’s admirable attempt at modesty is obvious. Caught ya’, Jayson - but keep up the good “werk” ;)

5. Jamie Moyer is getting very old.

6. Pat “The Bat” Burrell will not help them win. I should not have included him on this list. For some reason I just don’t have too much confidence in the guy. He puts up good numbers and I have no statistical or objective evidence to say that he does not help the team win/pull through in the clutch, but I am basing all of this on my feelings. I've always enjoyed this picture of him however.

7. The re-birth of closer Brad Lidge. This man has been on fire this year, converting (I think) 33 or so consecutive save opportunities this year? I would double check this fact, but I am currently writing this without an internet connection (and chances are once I copy it into my blog, I will be too lazy to check the fact). Who knows. Whatever the case, as long as Lidge stays hot, the Phillies can glide on his wings. Wait a minute: Glide? Lidge? Anagram? Weird…

8. Charlie Manuel. Though most columnists or bloggers choose to focus on the firmness and nice form of his butt, I’d like to take a look at this guy’s ability to coach. Manuel has an advantage having played alongside some greats from the past such as Babe Ruth and Stegosaurus. If you don’t get it by now, I am making an ‘old’ joke. OK - maybe that was a cheap shot at humor, but at least I involved a dinosaur in this one, so it’s educational, yeah? Archaeology. So, don’t knock the importance of a proper education.

9. I didn’t mention Rollins, Victorino, or the ghost of Lenny Dykstra - but they are still reasons I feel the Phillies should win the NL East.

In conclusion, loyal blog readers, if you take anything away from this, let it be that I have way too much time on my hands today as I sit at a table in an AP’s office at a school with my laptop and no internet connection. I have been here since 8am (it is now 2:10pm). My eyes started to do the thing where they get heavy and start closing and my head started to slowly fall simultaneously, only to jerk up quickly once it sunk too low. This happened at about 1:50pm and I decided I needed to do something to stay awake. This is all that came to my mind. Living the dream (Pollock/Greene 2k7). I wish I were at Bay’s.

Peace, love, and ROCK N’ ROLL :P

- John

Mythbusters

Greetings loyal blog readers,

I am pleased to say that I have returned to the blogosphere. For a while I had been out of the blogosphere and actually doing things in real life (ugh, real life is for losers). But now I am making the effort to avoid physical social interactions and stick to verbal and virtual communication instead.

That said, let me take some time to debunk a few myths and to dispel (or to confirm) some rumors that probably arose during my absence:

Myth #1) John Haskell died.

- Now in a literal sense, this is simply untrue. I am quite alive and well, at the moment. If the myth were to be interpreted figuratively - like if someone were to say, "Eddie Murphy is dead," with respect to his film career or relevance to society - then I will say there is some truth to the myth. That is, I may have figuratively died for a while in that I spent over a month at St. John's University in Queens waking up at 5 AM, teaching during the day, then lesson planning at night until 2 AM and as a result was isolated from society (I couldn't even check Facebook or the New York Times Crossword Puzzle on a regular basis...). So in sum, did I literally die? No. Figuratively? Perhaps.

*N.B. I do not necessarily think that Eddie Murphy's career is over or that he is not relevant to American society/pop culture - these are just things I have heard people say.

Myth #2) John Haskell, despite lots of intense professional work this summer and the inevitability of aging and maturing throughout life, still laughs at fart jokes and robot jokes.

- This is not a myth at all, but a statement of the blatant truth. I'm not sure what it is, but well-timed flatulence joke and a solid android/cyborg/robot joke still get me every time. Does this mean I am not mature? Should this be a red flag that signals some type of stunted growth in my mind's development? Yes and yes. Absofruitly. But I don't know how to change it, so deal with it.

Myth #3) John Haskell beat Criss Angel in a game of one-on-one basketball.

- Fact.



Myth #4) John Haskell stopped drinking coffee and doesn't eat sandwiches for over 95% of his meals.

- Do chickens all of a sudden stop having thin legs and beaks? Absolutely not. It is with that analogy that I am trying to say this myth is completely unfounded. Since the cessation of coffee drinking would lead directly to a loss of my own manhood, I still drink coffee. And since the thought of a good turkey sandwich is what gets me up and out of bed almost every day, I still eat sandwiches for over 95% of my meals.

In closing, I hope I have cleared up some of the confusion that may have arisen during my absence from the blogosphere. I am very happy to be back and look forward to updating it on a more regular basis. Future topics might include sports, entertainment, politics, and/or other broad topics that are usually found as tabs on news websites.

Thank you for taking the time to check this out, loyal blog readers - I know that all of you have been waiting for this! It must feel like a little kid who rides in the car with his mom to the bank and is bored, but eventually discovers that he gets a lollipop from the bank - Mm!

Until my next entry, live life, love life, and remember that our time here is short so embrace the beauty of the world and its inhabitants.

Sincerely,
Yours Truly

My Hot New Track

"Rage"

Heartbreak and Depression Consume My Morning Web-Browsing

There is nothing worse than waking up to the news that the one you love has gotten engaged:

The News

Yes, it's true: this is exactly what happened to me this morning. Scarlett Johansson, 23, is now engaged to Ryan Reynolds, 31, although a wedding date has not yet ben set.

Don't do it Scarlett. Let's look at the pros and cons for me and Ryan.

Me: I am 23 years old like you (pro), Michael Jordan was number 23 (pro), Jim Carrey was in a movie called "23" (con), I think you're hot (pro), I only own an Xbox, not an Xbox 360 (con), I just saved a bunch of money by switching my car insurance to Geico (joke..so, pro).

Ryan Reynolds: He is an idiot (con), he dated Alanis Morissette (con), he was in Van Wilder (pro), his facial scruff has been rumored as being too scratchy (con).

When you add up the pros and subtract the cons from them, I end up with a score of +2 and Reynolds ends up with -2. QED.

I'm just saying - Scarlett, if you're reading this (which you probably are), take a look at the objective, factual data I have presented as for why you should not proceed any further in this "relationship" with Ryan Reynolds.

In the meantime I am going to be in my room listening to My Chemical Romance.

Wikipedia pages that I have made edits to so far...

***Note: This list is here both for me to remember and keep track of my edits (so I can look back on them from time to time and laugh) and also for any of my [many] loyal blog readers who wish to check out the edits I have made. In short, it's kind of a personal "Wikipedia edit" inventory I am posting in a public domain.

1. "Andy Azula"
- Azula has received some criticism for his UPS Whiteboard advertisements...
2. "House of Payne"
- The show is well-known for its frequent advertisements...
3. "Reggie Evans"
- Evans quickly became a fan favorite in Philadelphia...
4. "Gerald Green"
- Green's career up to this point...

The Thoughts of a Masculist...

Ugh - for those of you who know me, you probably are already aware of my hypersensitive attention to issues of gender and sex. For those of you who don't know me, I wonder why/how you are reading this.

Anyways, there has been a commercial running the past few weeks that has disgusted me. It is an ad by Taco Bell for its new menu item, the Bacon Club Chalupa. Now I do not have any preexisting negative feelings toward Taco Bell or its ad campaign. Moreover, I have even enjoyed many of Taco Bell's past advertisements (e.g., the cute chihuahua who spoke Spanish). What I witnessed in this new ad, however, is neither cute nor canine nor even Spanish..what is the new ad? Blatantly sexist (against males). And as a huge masculist, I must protest and bring this atrocity to light.

In the ad, two good looking girls go to a night club where, according to one of the girls, "so many cute guys" are hanging out. The blonde female smells bacon, and the brunette with whom the blonde came reveals that she has hidden a Bacon Club Chalupa in her purse. Why? "Guys love bacon," she explains. Ew - the nerve to assume that all guys will just flock to bacon!? The commercial pushes the limit (and my nerves) further when 3 males immediately show up to the girls' table and say hello. I inferred from this ad (as it was clearly implying) that the men showed up because of the scent of bacon.

I think that I am speaking for a majority of males when I say that this ad is offensive and Taco Bell ought to rethink its latest ad campaign and show some sensitivity towards males. Until I see an ad where women flock to men at a bar because one has chocolate, sewing needles, and a full season of Sex and the City in his pocket - I think that Taco Bell has only succeeded in offending males.

Watch the ad.