Heartbreak and Depression Consume My Morning Web-Browsing

There is nothing worse than waking up to the news that the one you love has gotten engaged:

The News

Yes, it's true: this is exactly what happened to me this morning. Scarlett Johansson, 23, is now engaged to Ryan Reynolds, 31, although a wedding date has not yet ben set.

Don't do it Scarlett. Let's look at the pros and cons for me and Ryan.

Me: I am 23 years old like you (pro), Michael Jordan was number 23 (pro), Jim Carrey was in a movie called "23" (con), I think you're hot (pro), I only own an Xbox, not an Xbox 360 (con), I just saved a bunch of money by switching my car insurance to Geico (joke..so, pro).

Ryan Reynolds: He is an idiot (con), he dated Alanis Morissette (con), he was in Van Wilder (pro), his facial scruff has been rumored as being too scratchy (con).

When you add up the pros and subtract the cons from them, I end up with a score of +2 and Reynolds ends up with -2. QED.

I'm just saying - Scarlett, if you're reading this (which you probably are), take a look at the objective, factual data I have presented as for why you should not proceed any further in this "relationship" with Ryan Reynolds.

In the meantime I am going to be in my room listening to My Chemical Romance.