My Hot New Track

"Rage"

Heartbreak and Depression Consume My Morning Web-Browsing

There is nothing worse than waking up to the news that the one you love has gotten engaged:

The News

Yes, it's true: this is exactly what happened to me this morning. Scarlett Johansson, 23, is now engaged to Ryan Reynolds, 31, although a wedding date has not yet ben set.

Don't do it Scarlett. Let's look at the pros and cons for me and Ryan.

Me: I am 23 years old like you (pro), Michael Jordan was number 23 (pro), Jim Carrey was in a movie called "23" (con), I think you're hot (pro), I only own an Xbox, not an Xbox 360 (con), I just saved a bunch of money by switching my car insurance to Geico (joke..so, pro).

Ryan Reynolds: He is an idiot (con), he dated Alanis Morissette (con), he was in Van Wilder (pro), his facial scruff has been rumored as being too scratchy (con).

When you add up the pros and subtract the cons from them, I end up with a score of +2 and Reynolds ends up with -2. QED.

I'm just saying - Scarlett, if you're reading this (which you probably are), take a look at the objective, factual data I have presented as for why you should not proceed any further in this "relationship" with Ryan Reynolds.

In the meantime I am going to be in my room listening to My Chemical Romance.

Wikipedia pages that I have made edits to so far...

***Note: This list is here both for me to remember and keep track of my edits (so I can look back on them from time to time and laugh) and also for any of my [many] loyal blog readers who wish to check out the edits I have made. In short, it's kind of a personal "Wikipedia edit" inventory I am posting in a public domain.

1. "Andy Azula"
- Azula has received some criticism for his UPS Whiteboard advertisements...
2. "House of Payne"
- The show is well-known for its frequent advertisements...
3. "Reggie Evans"
- Evans quickly became a fan favorite in Philadelphia...
4. "Gerald Green"
- Green's career up to this point...

The Thoughts of a Masculist...

Ugh - for those of you who know me, you probably are already aware of my hypersensitive attention to issues of gender and sex. For those of you who don't know me, I wonder why/how you are reading this.

Anyways, there has been a commercial running the past few weeks that has disgusted me. It is an ad by Taco Bell for its new menu item, the Bacon Club Chalupa. Now I do not have any preexisting negative feelings toward Taco Bell or its ad campaign. Moreover, I have even enjoyed many of Taco Bell's past advertisements (e.g., the cute chihuahua who spoke Spanish). What I witnessed in this new ad, however, is neither cute nor canine nor even Spanish..what is the new ad? Blatantly sexist (against males). And as a huge masculist, I must protest and bring this atrocity to light.

In the ad, two good looking girls go to a night club where, according to one of the girls, "so many cute guys" are hanging out. The blonde female smells bacon, and the brunette with whom the blonde came reveals that she has hidden a Bacon Club Chalupa in her purse. Why? "Guys love bacon," she explains. Ew - the nerve to assume that all guys will just flock to bacon!? The commercial pushes the limit (and my nerves) further when 3 males immediately show up to the girls' table and say hello. I inferred from this ad (as it was clearly implying) that the men showed up because of the scent of bacon.

I think that I am speaking for a majority of males when I say that this ad is offensive and Taco Bell ought to rethink its latest ad campaign and show some sensitivity towards males. Until I see an ad where women flock to men at a bar because one has chocolate, sewing needles, and a full season of Sex and the City in his pocket - I think that Taco Bell has only succeeded in offending males.

Watch the ad.

A Hierarchy of Sandwich Spreads

Hierarchy of Sandwich Spreads
with a foreword by John Haskell

Hi. First of all, thank you for taking some time to read my latest blog entry. I hope that you learn something from it.

Now let's get down to business. In this blog entry I hope to provide you with my personal hierarchy of sandwich spreads. This may raise several questions in the minds of the readers. What constitutes a sandwich spread? Why is this important [to me]? Good questions. The answers to each are a sandwich spread can be made up of anything that is able to be spread upon some type of bread by a knife and this list ("hierarchy") is important [to you] because I feel that my personal opinions about fairly irrelevant matters should be shared with and adopted by the masses. So without any further ado, here is my hierarchy of sandwich spreads:

1a. Chipotle Mayo (preferably with Turkey)
1b. Cream Cheese (obviously with Lox on a bagel; do not be afraid to vary the style of cream cheese, either; for example, lite veggie and lite jalapeno cream cheeses go quite well with Lox on a bagel)
2. Guacamole (again, Turkey is an optimal main meat complement)
3. Regular Mustard (Roast Beef, Turkey, and Ham are all good main meats)
4. Good quality/Jewish/Kosher/Deli Style Spicy Brown Mustard (see 5)
5. Horseradish Spread (Excellent with Roast Beef)
6. Cranberry Mayo (A rarity - but excellent with Turkey; really gives a sandwich that "Thanksgiving Feast" feel)
7. Basil Pesto (Have not had that often, but have encountered it being offered at many places; it seems to be well-liked by patrons of sandwiches and goes well with chicken)

The above list would not be complete if I failed to mention that you should not settle for a sandwich with a simple and plain mayonnaise spread. You can do better than that. It's like, if someone were to offer you a pizza with pepperoni or a pizza with crap on it, you would select the pizza with pepperoni. In this example, the pizza with crap on it is comparable to a sandwich with simple and plain mayonnaise. Thus I have just proved (using logic and facts) why a sandwich with one of the above spreads is better. I hope this helps you not only in your culinary expeditions but also in all other areas of life. If you've made it this far in this entry, you have almost as much free time on your hands as I did to have written this. Thank you and God Bless.

- Jhizzle

Kwik Tipz w/John Haskell: Accidentally Calling Your Ex

John Haskell's Arbitrary Movie List for 4/15/2008

Sometimes nothing is better than curling up in front of the TV with family or friends and watching a good movie! If you plan on viewing a movie sometime in the next week or so, here is a list of 3 movies you might want to check out. All movies are judged according to length (in minutes), quality, casting, acting, denouement, and likability.

1) Wild Hogs: When director Walt Becker decided to cast Tim Allen, John Travolta, Martin Lawrence, and William H. Macy as the co-stars of this 100-minute film, some considered it, "one of the greatest groups of actors this century [21st] and all other previous centuries have ever witnessed - an amalgam of professional thespian talent" (Haskell, 2008). This is the perfect movie to watch on a date (preferably a first date); it tells the individual whom you are courting, "Although I am nice, I also have a wild side that is not afraid to shred the figurative road of life." So take a walk on your wild side and watch this crowd-pleaser.

2) Are We Done Yet?: It is quite rare for a sequel to equal or surpass the quality of its original. However director Steven Carr's adaptation of Hank Nelken's brilliant screenplay/story does just that. When Ice Cube (the actor/rapper, not the frozen polygon of water) decides to move with his family to a dream home in the suburbs, insanity ensues. Just when you think nothing else can go awry for Ice Cube and his family as they struggle to adjust to their new home..something goes wrong! This 92-minute film released on April 4, 2007 has already stood the test of one year's time as a classic film and appears headed towards cinematic immortality. (N.B. Despite the fact that the main user comment on AWDY's imdb.com page reads, "Didn't laugh once," remember that thoughts and opinions on the internet must be scrutinized thoroughly before being accepted as valid/credible).

3) M.V.P. 2 (Most Vertical Primate): Not to be confused with its prequel, M.V.P. (Most Valuable Primate), this film is similar to Are We Done Yet in that it follows up (if not exceeds) its original in quality. The film begins with the lovable monkey, Jack, being ousted from his hockey team after he is falsely accused of league misconduct. Instead of turning to fermented bananas like many monkeys do during times of distress, Jack meets a homeless skateboarder named Ben who teaches him the art of shredding. A monkey in a half-pipe!? You're joking, right? Wrong: It happens. And while either the majority of Americans have either not seen this movie or have seen it and consider it disappointing at best, there are a select few who have both seen it and enjoyed it - considering the only disappointing thing is that this film did not win an Oscar. The film runs only 87 minutes and leaves only one question unanswered at the end: Why isn't it longer? Do yourself a favor and check out this funky monkey flick this week!

This concludes my first weekly Arbitrary List of Personal Favorites. If you get a chance to check this movies out, please don't thank me - I didn't make them, I just have an eye for quality films. Stay tuned for more arbitrary lists of mine - I will keep them coming as long as the demand for them remains high.

Namaste,
John