A Hierarchy of Sandwich Spreads

Hierarchy of Sandwich Spreads
with a foreword by John Haskell

Hi. First of all, thank you for taking some time to read my latest blog entry. I hope that you learn something from it.

Now let's get down to business. In this blog entry I hope to provide you with my personal hierarchy of sandwich spreads. This may raise several questions in the minds of the readers. What constitutes a sandwich spread? Why is this important [to me]? Good questions. The answers to each are a sandwich spread can be made up of anything that is able to be spread upon some type of bread by a knife and this list ("hierarchy") is important [to you] because I feel that my personal opinions about fairly irrelevant matters should be shared with and adopted by the masses. So without any further ado, here is my hierarchy of sandwich spreads:

1a. Chipotle Mayo (preferably with Turkey)
1b. Cream Cheese (obviously with Lox on a bagel; do not be afraid to vary the style of cream cheese, either; for example, lite veggie and lite jalapeno cream cheeses go quite well with Lox on a bagel)
2. Guacamole (again, Turkey is an optimal main meat complement)
3. Regular Mustard (Roast Beef, Turkey, and Ham are all good main meats)
4. Good quality/Jewish/Kosher/Deli Style Spicy Brown Mustard (see 5)
5. Horseradish Spread (Excellent with Roast Beef)
6. Cranberry Mayo (A rarity - but excellent with Turkey; really gives a sandwich that "Thanksgiving Feast" feel)
7. Basil Pesto (Have not had that often, but have encountered it being offered at many places; it seems to be well-liked by patrons of sandwiches and goes well with chicken)

The above list would not be complete if I failed to mention that you should not settle for a sandwich with a simple and plain mayonnaise spread. You can do better than that. It's like, if someone were to offer you a pizza with pepperoni or a pizza with crap on it, you would select the pizza with pepperoni. In this example, the pizza with crap on it is comparable to a sandwich with simple and plain mayonnaise. Thus I have just proved (using logic and facts) why a sandwich with one of the above spreads is better. I hope this helps you not only in your culinary expeditions but also in all other areas of life. If you've made it this far in this entry, you have almost as much free time on your hands as I did to have written this. Thank you and God Bless.

- Jhizzle

Kwik Tipz w/John Haskell: Accidentally Calling Your Ex

John Haskell's Arbitrary Movie List for 4/15/2008

Sometimes nothing is better than curling up in front of the TV with family or friends and watching a good movie! If you plan on viewing a movie sometime in the next week or so, here is a list of 3 movies you might want to check out. All movies are judged according to length (in minutes), quality, casting, acting, denouement, and likability.

1) Wild Hogs: When director Walt Becker decided to cast Tim Allen, John Travolta, Martin Lawrence, and William H. Macy as the co-stars of this 100-minute film, some considered it, "one of the greatest groups of actors this century [21st] and all other previous centuries have ever witnessed - an amalgam of professional thespian talent" (Haskell, 2008). This is the perfect movie to watch on a date (preferably a first date); it tells the individual whom you are courting, "Although I am nice, I also have a wild side that is not afraid to shred the figurative road of life." So take a walk on your wild side and watch this crowd-pleaser.

2) Are We Done Yet?: It is quite rare for a sequel to equal or surpass the quality of its original. However director Steven Carr's adaptation of Hank Nelken's brilliant screenplay/story does just that. When Ice Cube (the actor/rapper, not the frozen polygon of water) decides to move with his family to a dream home in the suburbs, insanity ensues. Just when you think nothing else can go awry for Ice Cube and his family as they struggle to adjust to their new home..something goes wrong! This 92-minute film released on April 4, 2007 has already stood the test of one year's time as a classic film and appears headed towards cinematic immortality. (N.B. Despite the fact that the main user comment on AWDY's imdb.com page reads, "Didn't laugh once," remember that thoughts and opinions on the internet must be scrutinized thoroughly before being accepted as valid/credible).

3) M.V.P. 2 (Most Vertical Primate): Not to be confused with its prequel, M.V.P. (Most Valuable Primate), this film is similar to Are We Done Yet in that it follows up (if not exceeds) its original in quality. The film begins with the lovable monkey, Jack, being ousted from his hockey team after he is falsely accused of league misconduct. Instead of turning to fermented bananas like many monkeys do during times of distress, Jack meets a homeless skateboarder named Ben who teaches him the art of shredding. A monkey in a half-pipe!? You're joking, right? Wrong: It happens. And while either the majority of Americans have either not seen this movie or have seen it and consider it disappointing at best, there are a select few who have both seen it and enjoyed it - considering the only disappointing thing is that this film did not win an Oscar. The film runs only 87 minutes and leaves only one question unanswered at the end: Why isn't it longer? Do yourself a favor and check out this funky monkey flick this week!

This concludes my first weekly Arbitrary List of Personal Favorites. If you get a chance to check this movies out, please don't thank me - I didn't make them, I just have an eye for quality films. Stay tuned for more arbitrary lists of mine - I will keep them coming as long as the demand for them remains high.

Namaste,
John

Looking ahead to both my immediate and long-term plans..

Bam (cf. Emeril Lagasse voice)! What is up my dogs? When last we left off (less than 48 hours ago), I was making a pledge to blog more - so here we go:

A few things have been on my mind lately. One is the 2008 U.S. presidential election. If you'd like some really good insight into many of the matters that lie at the heart of the race, this is a good place to start.

I'm also looking forward to Spring Break 2k8 (SB2k8) - although I'm really just serving an extended spring break in San Antonio this spring. SB2k8 will include a snowboarding excursion in Colorado followed immediately by a weekend getaway filled with debauchery, sand, dudes, bros, chicks, beer, frats, sororities and any other stereotypical terms that can be associated with South Padre Island. Oh heck yes, it should be a good time.

Well..actually I don't have much to blog about today - I really just wanted to post a link to the video above and let my loyal blog followers know of my upcoming "spring break" plans. The title of this blog is misleading, too. I don't discuss any long-term plans on mine. I'm sure they will come in a subsequent blog (rest assured, loyal blog readers!) - so you will be able to know of my plans which should help you to relax.

So I am about to pour a good cup of coffee, chill for a little on the computer, play some basketball and then go wherever the wind takes me. Like a tumbleweed, I flow with the fluctuations of the wind and know not where I will be from one moment to the next. Rather I just gently glide along singing merrily the elfin songs of yore and listening to the rhythm of the pan pipes.

N.B. I'm not high right now.

Love,

Yours Truly

Breaking My Figurative Blog-Fast

Alright boys and girls, I've been "out tha game" for a while now. "What game is he talking about?" you might be asking. If you are, I'm talking about the game of blogging. "Is blogging actually a 'game'?" you may now be wondering. Again if you are, I'm not sure - but I'm not here to argue semantics or any other type of language bullshit - I'm just here to talk facts about life. "What are some topics that fall under 'facts about life'?" you could be asking yourselves. I'm glad you asked, too, because here's a list of potential topics that I might touch upon in future blog entries: love , people who are annoying , people who rule, the importance of friends, why fart jokes are funny, the depressing realities of growing up,robots, aliens, my awkward daily experiences , and more. In other words, it is going to be a hella good time.

I look forward to it - I hope you all do too.

Always with love,

Yours truly

If my blog keeps progressing (digressing?) in this manner, I'm gonna have to shut it down

Hey Loyal Bloggers -

It's that time again - and of course by, "that time," I am referring to the time during which I sit shirtless before going to bed (in this case, 1:25am CST) and write down the thoughts that are going through my head. If you'd like to stop reading now due to the imminent excitement that is about to ensue, feel free to. However, if you'd like to experience life in its most full essence and force, keep reading. So, anyways, today is Valentine's Day. Mmm, love, can you feel it?
Well, I'm going to have to move onto a different subject now. I thought a topical entry, namely one relevant to today (i.e., V-day) would be a nice idea for a blog entry..but it's not really a big deal to me right now, so I'll have to move onto the next most blog-worthy topic to me: life. When it comes to broad thoughts and generalizations on life (particularly mine), I'm $. Ah, but I'm not really feeling that either, tonight. No love, no life..ah, this is sounding a bit depressing - hm, but I'm not depressed, either. I am starting to notice, however, that I am beginning to develop quite an introspective blog entry here in which I'm basically holding a conversation with myself/randomly divulging my thoughts. So I can only imagine how fun this is to read. I guess a blog-entry as good as this can only end with a joke as good as the following:

knock knock
who's there?
knock knock
who's there?
oops..
"oops" who?
oops..i did it again.*

The punchline is that, as a result of the "Knock-knocker" saying his/her patended phrase twice, he/she is forced to say, "Oops..I did it again," which is *obviously* a Britney Spears lyric. Now, if you all know me, which you should - because if you don't, why are you reading this blog? (answer: because it's so freaking engaging) - I like to have at least, at least, ONE Britney Spears reference in my blog entries..starting today..and I have sufficiently satisfied the day's minimum requirement. Wow, that's all for tonight.

Here's a picture of an alien pushing a dollie that I found on google.images earlier:

http://members.tripod.com/~doxie_44/gifs/alien.gif


*btw, the above joke was told to me by M.Yoo on 2/13/07

What am I doing with my life?
-yours truly

a winding road to nowhere: an ode to this blog entry

Oh baby, as if life couldn't get any better..and then I decide to write another post! Bam. I don't know when I took on the persona of an arrogant blogger who has a faithful/loyal audience, but I like it so I'm gonna roll with it..which brings me to my next point - I just used, "gonna," in my entry. I think my entries are going to vary from colloquial speech to proper speech quite frequently, so deal with it. OK, so it's pretty late at night, and what better time for philosophical tangents? (the answer to that question, is of course, there is no better time) So, in this light, I shall proceed. What's up with life? It's all like, "I'm going to be different for every single person and be completely unpredictable, and times will be good and times will be bad." And this attitude of the personified Life can become quite frustrating. However, I guess I try to find peace and solace in feeling that I have somewhat a sense of knowing or control of my own life by kind of doing the little things I can to guide it in the "right" direction (whatever that is) so as to avoid more of the bad times. That last thought of mine was extremely vague, and I worry that its meaning and power might not translate so easily onto the reader, but nevertheless it too shall remain in this entry. Eh, I guess a possible conclusion to this somewhat existential moment could be that, life is both good and bad...it's how you deal with it that matters. I've never felt so cliche in my life...and I'm loving it. But seeing that I've just accidentally dropped the McDonald's motto into this post (cf. "I'm loving it"), I think it's time that I call it quits for this evening...Plus I just realized I'm sitting shirtless and spitting out ambiguously trite ideas on life. Mmm, well it's my blog and I do what I want. Next time I promise to have something perhaps a little more organized...maybe even something artistic like a poem - but I'm not promising that yet. Hope you enjoyed wasting precious seconds of your life by reading what's on my mind - I sure did :)

toodles
-yours truly