Good-looking Doctor Admits He Enjoys Smell Of Own Farts

A doctor with long hair recently admitted that he likes the smell of his own farts.

"I know that I look young, I know that my hair is long, I know that I have soft lips, and I know that I like to smell my own farts," the doctor said, unprompted by any questions pertaining farts or their smells.

The doctor went on to say that he didn't know how to use a stethoscope and that his favorite thing to do when he got home was to sit on the couch naked and watch Wheel Of Fortune.

The doctor, who refused to remain anonymous, is named Brett Cushner. He is expected to be fired early tomorrow morning.

"That is fine. Then I can focus on my true passion," he said with regard to the expected layoff.

What is his true passion?

"Looking good. Ha ha, no just kidding. I don't know. I think I want to be an actor or something. I don't know."

QED

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Tightly-Laced Athletic Shoes

This is one of my all-time favorite things. Tightly-laced athletic shoes with medium length ankle socks (preferably worn with khaki shorts by a male with semi-chubby/maybe-hairy legs). I spotted these today, so obviously it's been a good day!

What am I doing with my life?

Clever Shirt

Today I got up and went down to the local corner store to pick up some milk. 1% Milk. On my way there, I passed a man in his early 40's wearing a green shirt with a pint of beer on it. The phrase "Irish Holy Water" was printed across the front of the shirt. It looked like this:



I got the joke. Irish people are notoriously big drinkers. Ireland also has a strong Catholic history. So it's a play on both of those things - Irish people's holy water is in fact beer. I thought it was funny.

I also thought it was funny that the gentleman wearing the shirt - a man in his early 40's, probably a dad (he looked well groomed, was wearing khaki shorts, and tightly laced athletic shoes) - woke up this morning and said to himself, "I am going to get dressed. What shirt would I like to wear? Oh, I will wear this green T-shirt that says 'Irish Holy Water' and has a pint of Guinness on it. The shirt that I payed money for. Yes, that will be what I will wear today."

Hey loyal readers, if you think that's weird, you know what's weirder? The fact that I'm taking time out of my day to write about this!

What am I doing with my life?

-John :P !!!

Now I have to choose a favorite?!

"Life is good." - Anonymous

We all know the saying, but it's not always true. Sometimes life is tough. And if you don't mind me comparing my life to a box of chocolates, it looks like I just picked out a poop chocolate.

That's right. While watching the NBA Playoffs on TNT, I learned that there is a new Tyler Perry sitcom on TBS: Meet the Browns. This wouldn't be a problem if I weren't already hooked to House of Payne. However, since I am hooked to the latter, the former presents me with an uncomfortable dilemma: pick a favorite.

Now you may think I'm being irrational here. I could like both shows, right? I don't know. I think that sounds difficult.

You also may be questioning my expertise in discerning between which show is my favorite, citing the fact that I've never watched a full episode of either show. I don't think that's fair, though. I've looked at the fronts of many books in my time and decided on whether or not to read them - and I think I've been pretty accurate with my decisions if I might say so myself.

So where does this leave me? It leaves me at an uncomfortable intersection. An intersection of a happy life in which just one TP show that I can jokingly follow exists and of a conflicted life where I have to jokingly choose between one of two TP shows.

Some may argue that this whole blog entry is irrelevant because if anyone is blogging at 1:20 AM on this specific topic, he or she cannot be taken seriously.

To that I say, "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley" (reference of The Office reference of Airplane!)

In Defense of Augustus

Lately I've been hearing a lot of comments such as the following:

"Caesar Augustus? Yeah, I know of him. What a dick."

Or:

"Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus - a good emperor? I don't think so!"

Comments such as these frustrate me. Why all of a sudden are many people openly criticizing one of the greatest politicians the world has ever seen? I mean, if you want to know all the things he did, you could check out the Res Gestae Divi Augusti; but he wrote that so it's obviously a little biased. So why don't you hear it from me? That is, let me tell you a few reasons why you or people you know should cut this guy a break and maybe even show him a little respect.



First of all, in 27 B.C., Octavian returned full power to the Roman Senate and relinquished control of the Roman provinces and their armies. Following that, he was given the names "Augustus" and "Princeps" and even awarded a golden shield with the words virtus, pietas, clementia, iustitia inscribed on it. Pretty neat, huh? Yeah, that's what I thought. If you think that is cool, check this out: In 23 B.C., Augustus was granted the power of a tribune!

Secondly, the guy was a great politician. Don't take my word for it, hear it straight from the academic source Wikipedia: "In 28 BC, he melted down 80 silver statues erected in his likeness and in honor of him, an attempt of his to appear frugal and modest" (Wikipedia).

Last but not least, the Prima Porta is an important statue and monument depicting him.

In conclusion, I think I've put to rest any arguments that critics of August may have. He may have died on August 19, A.D. 14, but his legacy lives on. So the next time I'm on the subway or in a deli and I hear the person next to me say, "Oh my gosh - Octavian was such a douchebag!", I will be very angry and probably direct that person to this blog entry.

Feel free to comment on this post with thoughts of your own regarding the great Roman emperor.

As for me, I'm out.

-JWH

Local Man And Others Mad At AIG Bonuses

NEW YORK, NY - 45-year-old Vincent Sputari isn't just mad, he's "really mad".

"I'm really mad at what is going on with AIG and these bonuses," said Sputari, the manager of a local Italian pizzeria.

According to Sputari, the Wall Street executives are getting bonuses they don't deserve.

"They're not out there busting their butts. They're not in hot kitchens making pizzas. They're sitting in their temperate offices, taking cash from people like me and you. Where's my bonus? I cooked eight pepperoni pizzas yesterday, I didn't see any bonuses. It's like Bernie Madoff, you know? Bailout plan and a recession. The economy."

Mr. Sputari seems to be the voice of an outraged American middle class. Many share similar sentiments concerning what is going on with AIG.

Shirley Ritzman, a local CVS clerk, had this to say when asked whether the AIG executives' bonuses should be taxed and redistributed to the American people: "Yes, I think that should happen."

Ms. Ritzman was backed up by fellow CVS cashier and aspiring musical artist Shane Manning.

"Oh yeah. That should definitely happen, man. I could use the cash, you know?" said Manning.

Manning, Ritzman, and Sputari are part of a growing number of American middle class citizens who are voicing their overgeneralized, sensationalized, relatively-unsubstantiated-by-fact opinions regarding the current state of the economy, the goverment's actions, and other current event stuff. Sputari is hopeful that his voice and the voices of his fellow citizens can help change the state of things in the U.S. and the world right now, but he is also still acutely aware of the day's pizza orders.

"Yes, I feel I am making a difference by voicing my opinion," said Sputari. "But I have to go now. I just received word that we have three pizzas to make. One is a large white pizza - you know, just cheese and garlic? Then we have two of the same: medium thin crust pizzas with sausage, peppers, and onions. I have to go make them."

Sputari then proceeded to walk furtively towards the back kitchen, keeping a close eye on any customers observing him. He paused for a moment, looked a bit nervous, and then finally - unprompted - yelled to everyone in the pizzeria, "Okay! Fine! So I farted. Big deal. It's not like any of you don't fart. I got nervous with the questions this stupid reporter was asking me. The stupid idiot reporter. He made me fart. He made me fart in my butt!"

Sputari then attempted to run out of his restaurant but slipped on a greasy piece of pepperoni and fell on his backside in a silly fashion.

Despite the strange turn of events that took place during this interview, the fact remains that many Americans are upset with the AIG bonuses.

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Music & Robot Voices I've Created!

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I update this very infrequently and the quality of music is very poor. But it's all done by me! Navigate around if you feel so inclined (i.e., if you are doing nothing productive with your life).

Fart noise,

-JWH69XX