President Obama's Hope Dwindles

In a strange turn of events, the formerly optimistic President Barack Obama has become depressed.

"I just don't know anymore," Obama softly muttered into the microphone at a press conference on Friday morning.



This comes as quite a shock to the American people and could have devastating effects, especially at a time when nation's emotional stability is so vulnerable.

Michael Groton, a 30-year-old dad from Richboro, Pennsylvania is surprised. "I am surprised," said Groton, when asked if he was surprised.

Obama's depression was first noticed by his wife Michelle earlier this week.

"I knew something was up on Monday," said Michelle. "I walked into the kitchen and he was eating oatmeal. Oatmeal. Barack never eats oatmeal. He always has two eggs sunny side up and turkey sausage. I said, 'What's wrong, baby?' and he just hung his head low and said, 'Oh..nuffin'.' He literally pronounced the word 'nothing' as if the 'th' were two 'f's' by saying, 'nuffin''. Later that day, I called Barack in to dinner. He said go away and rolled himself in the blanket of our bed. The next day, Tuesday, he just crawled around the house in the blanket. He seems incredibly depressed."

White House officials say they are currently working with the President to alleviate some of his depression.

"We're trying to tell him a lot of jokes and tickle him," said White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. "I hope it works. I'm not a doctor, but I think that is what we should do."

Whatever the case, it is imperative that Obama snaps out of this mental funk soon. The nation needs his optimistic oratory and hopeful speeches to return.

"We can't have a president who eats oatmeal, refuses dinner, and crawls around in a blanket," said Groton. "We need a president who does other stuff, like talk with nations and make plans on laws. Once we have that, an economic recovery can happen in bipartisan government. I know Obama won't stand for the earmarks of lobbyists, so I hope he can get it together. I have to go, though. I have been holding in a fart during this whole interview. Please don't print that in your story."

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Link to a "Live Reality Music Competition" I am in!

http://www.standupny.com/musicisajoke/

Andy Reid Admits Being Distracted By Thoughts of Beef Stroganoff

After the Eagles' 32-25 loss to the Arizona Cardinals in Sunday night's NFC Championship game, head coach Andy Reid admitted that thoughts of Beef Stroganoff adversely affected his coaching abilities.



"Around the fourth quarter, I began to think about my next meal. I considered various dishes, but ultimately concluded that Beef Stroganoff - the classic Russian dish featuring sauteed pieces of beef served in a sauce with sour cream - would be the tastiest," said Reid in the post-game press conference.

This is not the first time Reid has been distracted by thoughts of food during a game. In fact, it has happened in every game ever during his tenure with the Eagles organization.

"I just get hungry and start thinking about food. It stinks," said Reid.

When asked if he had ever been distracted by thoughts of a cheesy piece of pizza, Reid responded with both candor and humor.

"No...yes!" said Reid with a giant smile on his face. "That was like Doug and Steve Butabi from 'A Night at the Roxbury' when they're asked if they're brothers! That's my second favorite movie of all time - no question about it."

Reid went on for another five minutes listing his favorite movies until a reporter cut him off and got him back on track by asking him a simple question about the NFC Championship game.

What do Reid's players think of his functionally incapacitating thoughts of food?

"That's just who he is," said Eagles running back Brian Westbrook. "It is what it is. I'm a soldier and I just have to keep going into every game like it's a battle. Coach is our sergeant. We've got the artillery necessary to win in the trenches, but it is what it is."

There is no doubt that the Eagles suffered an agonizing defeat on Sunday, and it has only been made more agonizing since Reid revealed his distracting thoughts about Beef Stroganoff. The off-season will be long and the Eagles will have to address many issues as an organization, but Reid seems confident this most recent coaching shortcoming of his won't cost him his job.

"Why would I lose my job? Is it a crime to think of Beef Stroganoff? No way, bro! Whatever. I don't even care anymore. You guys can suck it. I look like a fat walrus. Reid is out, y'all!"

Old Video Series

This is a link to my YouTube site that has the series which J.D. Swerzenski and I started but never finished:

Me & J.D.'s Series: "John Haskell: Stand-Up Comedian"

Oh 'twas a fun time shooting these..

A New Low for Americans

Greetings Loyal Blog-Readers,

As you know, this past week was an historic week for America. On November 4, 2008, Barack Obama becamse the first African American president of the United States. This was a great indicator that America is slowly but surely moving in the right direction and showed that the vile grip of discrimination which once so strongly held our country captive is loosening.

However, on November 7, 2008, a middle-aged female contestant on the daytime version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (hosted by Meredith Vieira) was forced to use a lifeline on the following $2,000 question:

"Which author once said, 'There isn't any symbolism. The sea is the sea. The old man is the old man.'"

Out of Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Faulkner, and (I believe) Twain, the contestant had to phone a friend.

Why was I watching this? If you want the truth, I was riding a stationary bike at the YMCA and it was the only thing on that I could watch and understand without using headphones. But this is besides the point.

The point I am trying to make, America, is don't be deceived by the magnanimous event that took place this past week (i.e., Obama's victory). There are blatant problems that exist in our country that need fixing; namely, increasing the average citizen's knowledge of famous novels and their respective authors.

In closing, I'd like to point out that the new version of WWTBAM is not nearly as good as the original primetime version ft. Regis Philbin. And, quite frankly, I don't think any show ever will be. So basically, life is all down hill from here...

-JWH

Take a look here. It is a classic case study of the political divide. Well actually..in this picture, there is a political merge. Here on the subway, one liberal man is seated next to a conservative. Notice the "Obama" pin, scruffy facial hair, unkempt button up white shirt, floppy hair, and quasi-overweight look of the liberal. While the older conservative has a khaki raincoat (it was not raining this day), the newspaper, a standard haircut, and an average/frail frame. There is no point to this photo other than to display the intersection of two commonly polarized political persons.

Update on the U.S. Economy 9/24/08