The Life of John

Four New Virat Videos [ALL IN ONE PLAC]E!

2011-12-28T11:00:00.004-05:00

The last time I posted on here was March 25, 2011.

That said, I wanted to find a place to put all of the FOUR BRAND NEW VIDEOS I made while home for Christmas. Here are the links to them:

The Christmas Mystery

Space Emergency

Healing A Broken Heart

Basketball 2

Real email

2011-03-25T17:23:00.002-04:00

This is a screen grab of a real email I just sent to myself:

2011 Fantasy Baseball Sleepers

2011-03-17T11:26:00.004-04:00

And now for the first annual JHFBS (John Haskell's Fantasy Baseball Sleepers). I'll go position by position to list those players whom I think are flying "under the radar".

C: Joe Mauer (Min) - Before you start yelling, remember that this is a list of fantasy sleepers. You may be down on Mauer because of his horrible year last year where we watched his BA drop to .327 and his OBP fall to a miserable .402, but before you write him off as a bust, consider him as a possible person to target (Target Field?) in the 14-15th rounds of your draft.
1B: Casey Kotchman (TB) - Heeerrreee's Casey! He's back, but this time as a Ray. Currently the 849th ranked player according to Yahoo! and with his status listed as NA (not available), you should have no problem getting Kotchman in the early rounds of your draft. Need some stats to convince you of his potential dominance? Consider the fact that last year, his .217 average was the second worst of his career and that he offers very little power as a first basemen, never hitting more than 14 HRs in a season.
2B: Chase Utley (Phi) - How can he be a sleeper? According to many sources, Utley has been faking his recent bouts with injuries in order to be considered a fantasy sleeper. He felt that would take some of the pressure off of him to perform. He's 100% healthy and he and the Phillies organization are just lying to the public. Look to nab him in the 10-11th rounds.
3B: Eduardo Nunez (NYY) - E-Rod is set to back up Ramiro Pena who is set to back up Alex Rodriguez. Look for A-Rod, who's never played less that 124 games in a season for the last 15 years, to deviate from that norm and get injured. Then look for Ramiro Pena to get hurt or have family problems. If those two things happen - and it's very likely - E-Rod should assume control of the "hot corner" in the "Big Apple".
4B: [not a position]
SS: Hanley Ramirez (FLA) - While most people in your league may be looking at Tulo, Reyes, and Aviles, Han-Ram will be sitting there waiting to be drafted. This guy, despite conventional wisdom and his career statistics, is a stud. Don't let his numbers fool you. Draft him and reap the rewards. Possible steal in rounds 3 or 4.
OF: Mark DeRosa (SF) - DeRosa used to be a fantasy stud because of his ability to play multiple positions. Now, however, he's only OF eligible which significantly decreases his worth and puts him on our list of 2011 sleepers. The fact that he's not even slated to start for the Giants further solidifies his sleeper value. And if you're a stats person, take a look at the fact that in 93 ABs with the Giants last year, he batted .194 with 1 HR, 0 SBs, and was caught stealing twice. That small sample size should show you that this young 36-year-old has got some potential for this season and years to come.
SP: Adam Wainwright (StL) - No one is going to draft Wainwright because he is expected to miss the entire 2011 season. This means that you could take a flyer on him and draft him in the last round. If not, he'll be available in your league's FA pool.
RP: Brett Sinkbeil (FLA) - While conventional wisdom says, "Take a closer in the first or second rounds," you should probably wait until the third or fourth. That said, one guy to keep an eye on is Brett Sinkbeil of the Marlins. His last name sounds like "sink ball", which could be considered a type of pitch. If you believe in fate, this is your guy. But if you believe in stats, this is also your guy. In three games with the Marlins last year, Sinkbeil poasted a 5:1 BB/K ration and a 13.50 ERA. Not to shabby, huh? He's no Mariano "Mo" Rivera, but look to get Sinkbeil in the fourth or fifth rounds.

Annual Holiday Tradition (AHT)

2010-12-24T12:21:00.004-05:00

In celebration of the Christmas/Holiday season, here's a reading of Charles Dickens' famous 'Twas The Night Before Christmas. I feel that my already-mediocre filmmaking skills are deteriorating and, oddly enough, I get more nervous with each subsequent video I make public. But, if one person finds some joy in this and other things that I do then I am happy - or at least that is how I rationalize it. I am a little lost in life right now. Enjoy!

Bigger penis is always better

2010-12-17T09:50:00.000-05:00

My new pants

2010-11-30T16:35:00.009-05:00

For those of you who don't know, yesterday I bought a pair of pants. More specifically, I bought a pair of black Dockers straight fit pants.

Why?

In short, I have to wear black pants at work. I normally leave my pants at work overnight and put them on the following day. However, my pants were missing yesterday. I don't know if someone stole them intentionally, accidentally, or if they were just thrown out - but that doesn't matter. What matters is that I needed to get a new pair, so I did.

After asking around about where I should buy new pants, I concluded that JC Penney was my best bet. It seemed to offer the best quality for the best price.

After work, I went to JC Penney and browsed the pants in the Men's department. I figured I'd go with Dockers.

Why?

First of all, Dockers are a well-known brand. Whether or not you think they are cheap or cheesy, they are well-known.

One thing I did NOT want to do was buy a pair of pants that didn't fit well. I am so sick of doing that. I feel like for my entire life, I have just worn clothes that didn't fit well. Either they have been too big or too small. A lot of the reason for this is because I've neglected to put any time into trying clothes on before buying them. I've learned, however, that it's worth the extra 5-10 minutes.

With this in mind (i.e., that I wanted to buy pants that fit well), I took two pairs of black Dockers into the dressing room. One was a slim fit pair while the other was straight fit. I had a girlfriend (though we were not official) who had me buy skinny jeans in 2008. I tried to get into them but never felt quite comfortable wearing them. I didn't feel like they were "me". Whenever wearing them, I'd always be aware that I was wearing them and wondering if other people noticed as well. Perhaps this is because I have an external locus of control, but I just never felt comfortable in skinny jeans. I've finally come to the conclusion that I'm a straight-fit-man. I think pants that aren't baggy but don't squeeze your legs are the way to go.

Anyways, I tried on the slim fit black pants. They were not bad - not bad at all. The waist was 32 and the inseam was 30. I was surprised because usually 30 inseam pants are a little too long, but these were a good length. They did not look too hipster-y or too tight, but I could certainly feel some level of constriction. I still had to try on the straight fit pants.

I tried on the straight fit pants expecting them to be baggier than I'd wanted. I mean, the slim fit pants were almost perfect - wouldn't stepping up to the straight fit significantly increase the bagginess? To my surprise, it did not. The pants fit great. The waist was fitting (I know now not to worry if it's a little tight at first because it will stretch out as you wear the pants more), the thighs were comfortable but not baggy, and the rest of the leg was straight and not baggy.

What about the length (i.e., inseam)?

The 30" inseam worked perfectly. It rested on my shoe without bunching up [too much] or going over my heel.

Wow - this was great. The pants cost $34.99 which was a little more than I was hoping for. But you know what? I am so tired of trying to save an extra minute or buck on pants that fit/are good quality. I'd rather pay that extra $15 or spend that extra 10 minutes just to make sure that I've got pants that look good, feel good, and should last.

I checked out of JC Penney feeling very good about my purchase. No buyer's remorse, no second thoughts -- just satisfaction. It just goes to show that if you put a little more effort into what you're doing, the results are much better.

###

Apartment Search (Part 6)

2010-11-23T10:07:00.000-05:00

The sixth email in a series of emails I've sent to Eberhart Bros. regarding renting an apartment.

My dream scenario is a YouTube video!

2010-07-07T16:36:00.000-04:00

The Fall Of Grammatical Accuracy

2010-07-04T04:56:00.001-04:00

I guess that we do not need to use apostrophes to indicate possession anymore?

Recent Study

2010-06-10T09:40:00.001-04:00

Studies show that looking at this picture once a day can help improve your alertness, sense of humor, and sexual stamina:

Apartment Search (Part 5)

2010-06-09T12:29:00.003-04:00

This is the fifth email I've written to Eberhart Brothers, a NY-based company that owns and manages apartments. Find the previous four letters on this blog if you want!

State Farm commercial

2010-06-07T00:53:00.007-04:00

Have you seen this commercial for State Farm?

First of all, what's wrong with bringing a sandwich somewhere to save money? What if it was a horrible restaurant that they were at? Or what if the guy has Celiac's Disease and has to eat gluten free foods?

Secondly, the whole gist of this commercial is that if you call State Farm you will not have to bring sandwiches to restaurants anymore.

Thirdly, why did State Farm select the particular narrator for this commercial? If he's a good marketing choice, then my butt isn't hairy.

Fourthly, if we are to buy into the "reality" of this commercial, we see that this narrator-guy is eating alone at a restaurant and watching another table. He's at a diner, alone, observing a table full of dudes, and trying to promote car insurance.

That's all. This is a commercial with a loser for a narrator and a table full of guys who make fun of their friend for having Celiac's Disease. State Farm - you've gone too far.

Check It Out with Dr. Steve Brule

2010-05-22T13:31:00.002-04:00

This is one of the funniest freaking things I've seen:

http://video.adultswim.com/check-it-out-with-dr-steve-brule/food.html

That is all.

-John

Links To Things

2010-04-27T17:44:00.004-04:00

Today I made a new Brita music video. It can be seen here:

Brita Music Video

I also completed a list that breaks down all 50 states on my U.S. History site. It can be seen here:

States: A Complete List

A couple of days ago I made a new Uptight Larry. It can be seen here:

Uptight Larry, Ep. 21 - "Running"

Over a week ago, I wrote a new Examiner article. It can be seen here:

Giving New Meaning To The Big Apple

Response to Andre Iguodala

2010-04-27T10:49:00.004-04:00

On April 22, 2010, Andre Iguodala, a Philadelphia 76er whom I follow, asked (via Twitter) that someone make a side-by-side picture of Alton Brown/Ernie Johnson and then tweet it "at" him. So, that's what I am doing.

I also think Channing Frye/Devin Harris look alike. Anyone in agreement?

Apartment Search (Part 4)

2010-04-15T09:22:00.002-04:00

The fourth letter in a series of letters I've written to Eberhart Brothers.

More Age Surprises

2010-03-24T16:32:00.002-04:00

Jamie Moyer, who pitched for the Philadelphia Phillies in 2009 and won 12 games, is 47-years-old.

Dwight Gooden, who retired in 2001 after 16 years in the Majors and who was recently arrested for driving while under the influence of drugs, is 45-years-old.

Stolen Idea

2010-03-23T10:49:00.002-04:00

I swear I had this idea or one very similar to it:

Man, I really wish my job were to write beer or pizza commercials..that would be AWESOME!

Life Lessons Learned From Watching 16 & Pregnant

2010-03-11T21:05:00.003-05:00

I just got suckered into (AKA, turned on and watched) another entire episode of 16 & Pregnant on MTV (the one following Chelsea and that A-hole Adam). Man, I see a lot of patterns:

1) The girls often make more of a commitment to the baby
2) The girls are reluctant to see their boyfriends' flaws (despite the disturbingly accurate/wise advice of their friends)
3) The guys are all weird dirtbags

Hmm..well, those are three patterns I've observed. I am amazed at the girls' abilities to step into the role of motherhood at such a young age..but the main thing that I walk away from the show thinking is that no one should have a baby at age 16..or 17..or maybe even 18..at least not 16. It's way too young.

Man, that show gets me every time.

NBA Age Surprise

2010-03-11T18:06:00.002-05:00

Think fast: How old is Jermaine O'Neal?

Give up? Only 31. 31.

I can't believe it. Seems like he's older (although he's been in the league since he was 18). Nevertheless, he's younger than Kobe. That's pretty crazy.

I'm still amazed that Gilbert Arenas is only 28. Guy's been around for a while now.

This concludes my NBA player age post.

NBA, 16 & Pregnant

2010-03-10T10:44:00.003-05:00

I'd like to talk about two things which I love.

First, the NBA (although I've really gotten into college basketball this year, too). I think college basketball definitely has more energy and passion than the NBA and it's fun to see players playing who might never make a living playing basketball, but the NBA is fun to watch because of the players' celebrity statuses and because of the superior skills of every single player (compared to the skills across the board at the college level). That said, I am going to be a Milwaukee Bucks fan for the rest of the season. Normally, I am a 76ers fan; but they "suck" this year. I really like the Bucks. Brandon Jennings is a fireball. And while he is erratic, keep in mind he is a rookie and has the confidence level of a veteran! I also like their foreign imports Delfino, Ilyasova, and Bogut. Salmons was a great pickup and I like watching him since he was a former Sixer. Who else do they have? Oh yeah..Ridnour and the guy Luc Richard Mbah a Mboute (sp?)..they are fun players. In any event, I'm pulling for them for the rest of this season.

Secondly, I'd like to talk about 16 & Pregnant. What a good show. I think it provides great insight into the youth of today. But the news is disturbing: the youth of today do not seem that smart.

One thing that seems to be consistent, however, is how bad the future fathers treat their pregnant girlfriends and how reluctant the girls are to recognize their boyfriends' poor treatment. I mean, the guys usually treat the girls like dirt and the girls always say to their friends, "I'm hoping he'll turn around," or, "He says he's ready to step up to the plate and be a father," or, "I think he's going to change," and on and on...

It's disturbing. It also makes you realize what a tough situation that is! These 15/16 year old girls are so you and now they're faced with the decision of whether or not to raise a child? The girls are still kids and you want them to have a normal life growing up..experience high school, college, and beyond..and you want them to be able to raise their own child..but both of those scenarios don't seem compatible. It is tough!

So in short..I am rooting for the Bucks for the rest of this NBA season and 16 & Pregnant is an interesting show! (Some episdoes I've seen in particular include Valerie, Nikkole, and Farrah)

Fun Moments In Sports

2010-03-08T14:11:00.006-05:00

A part of why I love watching sports is because sometimes you see players do something out of the ordinary [for them]. This happened last night when Andre Miller, who also dropped 52 points in a game earlier this season, slammed it home on a fast break:

Miller is not known for his flashy play or his athleticism. Rather, he's known for his good basketball IQ and wily play (pump fakes to draw contact and such). He doesn't even shoot threes. This dunk, then, came as a huge surprise and was pretty fun to watch. It reminded me of the joy I felt when the following play happened:

[Jason Williams dunks on Mario Elie]

Examiner Catching On?

2010-02-23T11:13:00.003-05:00

I received this email last week from one of the heads of the Examiner:

He was referring to a piece I wrote called: A disturbing Realty: Social Network's. I don't have the URL for it anymore because it has been taken offline. I only have the text (which I can send you if you request it).

I'm going to do all that I can to retain my position as Examiner blogger. I am upset that "Matt" is coming down on me with such severity when all I am trying to do is be the best NY Comedy Examiner that I can be. That is all for this post.

-John

Obama Caught Holding Frog

2010-02-17T12:15:00.001-05:00

Obama, above, was caught holding a frog while delivering a speech. No files have been charged.

The Hurt Locker

2010-01-30T10:40:00.001-05:00

I watched the movie The Hurt Locker last night. I felt it was very well done and would recommend it to others. However, it is very intense.

The main thing I remember from the movie is that the actor Anthony Mackie looks like Jimmy Rollins:

A Sentiment

2010-01-23T17:44:00.003-05:00

Luke Wilson's commercials are stupid.

Look-A-Likey

2010-01-22T12:55:00.000-05:00

Gilbert Arenas (L.) from the NBA team the Washington Wizards and Jesse L. Martin (R.) from the NBC show Law & Order. The other day I thought they looked alike.

Jackson Reid Explosion

2010-01-03T13:35:00.001-05:00

The Eagles are in the playoffs! Yes, this was established more than a week ago, but I was looking for an excuse to post this picture of Andy Reid and DeSean Jackson Celebrating. So, that's all I wanted to do. Go Eagles!

Price Breakthrough

2009-12-29T09:20:00.000-05:00

Yes, it is true.

Something I Do Not Get

2009-12-22T22:46:00.003-05:00

I do not get how Zach Randolph puts up lines like these:

It simply baffles me. He is so good, yet so bad. His athletic skills are akin to those of a chubby 8th grader, but he somehow manages to pull off double-doubles including tonight's line of 33 points, 18 boards, on 14-of-21 shooting. I have no words.

Watch this classic footage of Z-Bo on the Knicks:

That's all for now. Merry Christmas.

NBA News & Notes (12/7/09)

2009-12-08T01:54:00.005-05:00

December 7, 2009 marked Allen Iverson's return to the Philadelphia 76ers! How beautiful it was to see A.I. back in a Sixers uniform. I wish him well as he spends the twilight of his career on the team that drafted him. I will always love A.I. Take a look at the Sixers' starting lineup, looks pretty good to me!

Also, I'd like for you to take a look at this box score from the Utah vs. San Antonio game:

Matt Bonner exploded for 28 points! Somewhere, Brian Scalabrine is sitting in a dark room, crushing a Coke Zero can in his hand and saying, "I will upstage you, Bonner!"

That is it for now. Those are my NBA observations for today. Mostly, I am so happy A.I. is back and I wish good wishes for him and the Sixers!

Here is video of his return:

Trebek Losing It?

2009-12-05T14:00:00.000-05:00

Whether this is an indication of Trebek losing it or just his poor impression skills, you should watch.

Barack Obama Admits He Was "Never A Big Skateboarder"

2009-11-28T11:35:00.003-05:00

In a recent political development, Barack Obama gave a startling response to a reporter's question.

When White House reporter Sam Langford asked the President if he skated as a kid, Barack Obama responded:

"No, not really. I was never a big skateboarder [as a kid]."

Mr. Langford followed up his first question with a second, asking whether the president thought Tony Hawk was cool.

Mr. Obama declined to answer the second question, but later the White House Spokesman issued a written response:

"Mr. Obama failed to answer the question regarding Tony Hawk because he, in his own words, 'had a major fart brewing' in his stomach and it distracted his thoughts. He later admitted that he does think Tony Hawk is cool. Mr. Obama's stomach is also now okay."

Mr. Langford is doing well, too. After the press conference where he asked Mr. Obama about skateboarding, Langford went home and ate "the best Granny Smith apple" of his life.

Problems With My Cable

2009-11-19T11:22:00.003-05:00

All this indicates is that I have too much time on my hands...

Doritos Commercial #2

2009-11-10T15:40:00.000-05:00

Cool!

Doritos Commercial #1

2009-11-10T15:32:00.003-05:00

Or view it on the Doritos site here.

Congratulations, Yankees!

2009-11-05T09:23:00.002-05:00

27. That is the record number of World Series the Yankees have won.

The Yankees won number 27 by defeating the 2008 World Champion Phillies - so number 27 was truly earned. Much credit has to be given to the Phillies who displayed poise, strength, fortitude, and many other respectable qualities during the 2009 season and postseason. Led by modern-day Ghengis Khan Charlie Manuel, the Phillies graciously handed over their victory wand to the Yankees.

And it is the Yankees I want to focus on here; not the praiseworthy Phillies. The Yankees. Let's show them some love! After nine years of searching their farm system for homegrown talent such as A-Rod, Matsui, Sabathia, Burnett, Teixeira, Damon, and even Swisher, they became World Champions again!

Now the Yankees may not be the richest team in baseball, but they sure are the best. They don't go willy-nilly spending money on free agents like some other teams (e.g., Red Sox). They are patient. They wait years - years without controversy - for their homegrown talent to develop.

The talent understands the situation, too. They know playing for the Yankees is a privilege, so they don't use their skills as leverage to increase their salaries. Look at Mark Teixeira. He [basically] said, "I am a great first baseman and I want to play in New York City. Sure, other teams may want me and want to pay me money, but I'd rather go to New York and have the honor of playing in pinstripes in front of the best fans in the world! I don't care how much I'm paid! I just want to play for New York!"

And don't get me started on A-Rod! Talk about a selfless saint. Living in New York can be tough..the spotlight is ALWAYS on you. Fortunately, A-Rod likes to live quietly, normally, and not stir up rumors or controversy. He, like Mr. Teixeira, also doesn't care about money.

"I just like to play baseball. I would do it for free if I could! But the Yankees forced me to take their money. I just want to play and not be famous! I wouldn't even care if I were ugly and my hair was messed up and not frosted..seriously, looks don't matter to me! Neither does money! I am an altruistic guy! I mean it! In fact, I am going to take the next year off from baseball and go to the Sudan to do work or something in a village!" said Alexander Rodriguez.

I have to cut this entry short because I have to go into work now, but I just want to close by saying Andy Petite has a major butt chin and the Yankees deserve their 27th World Series Championship! What they lack in ability to pay their players, they make up for in heart and soul and gritty baseball playin'!

World Series Game 5: Minute-by-minute Recap

2009-11-02T21:00:00.008-05:00

(9:02 PM): It's the bottom of the third. Ryan Howard is up, Chase Utley is on 2nd base. There are no outs.

(9:03 PM): Full count - this could get interesting!

(9:04 PM): Burnett walked Howard. Now there are no outs, Howard is one 1st base and Utley is still on 2nd base. Right here I'd just like to comment on Howard's slimmed down physique. He looks much trimmer and I think if he can maintain whatever workout regimen he's currently on/has been on, he can prolong his major league career.

(9:06 PM): Jayson Werth is up. I like Werth. I used to let his chin hair get in the way of me liking him..but his performance has won me over.

(9:07 PM): As I was typing the above, Werth hit a ball right up the middle and scored Utley! It's now Phillies 4, Yankees 1. Yes! It's with plays like that that Werth makes me forget about his strip of chin hair.

(9:08 PM): Ibanez is up.

(9:08 PM): Same minute, Ibanez hits a single into right field. Howard scores. Yes! Phillies 5, Yankees 1. A.J. Burnett is now being taken out. This is exciting!

(9:09 PM): Commercial break. It's a Sears commercial. I think I might wrap up this blog post soon. It's not nearly as fun or as funny as I thought it'd be.

(9:11 PM): That commercial for BecomeAnEX.org came on. I now want to quit drinking and smoking.

(9:11 PM): The Yankees have decided to pitch someone, not sure who it is. Maybe Robertson? I will find out then update you.

(9:12 PM): Yes, it's Robertson. Not sure his first name. He's #30 and facing Pedro Feliz.

(9:13 PM): Is there something a bit off about Joe Girardi's face? It's kind of gaunt. Or at times I think he looks like a dinosaur. I don't think he looks like a dinosaur as much as Chris Bosh looks like a dinosaur. I've always found that to be a funny coincidence - that Chris Bosh looks like a Raptor and plays for the Toronto Raptors. Take a look.

(9:15 PM): Feliz popped out. Two outs, Cliff "Good Pitcher" Lee is up to bat. I realize it's more fun to blog about fun stuff rather than writing minute-by-minute updates about the game.

(9:16 PM): Cliff Lee hit an RBI single - Yes! Phillies 6, Yankees 1.

(9:18 PM): I really hope the Phillies can hang on and win this.

(9:19 PM): Is that gel in Chase Utley's hair or is it wet? And if it's wet, does he wet it throughout the game? Oh crap - "J-Ro" just struck out.

(9:19 PM): Joe Buck has a major butt-chin.

(9:21 PM): Oh GIVE ME A BREAK! There was just this crappy commercial for KFC that's trying to say they have a better deal than the $5 footlong. Yeah right!

(9:21 PM): What do you guys think of that commercial that features the cover off The Beatles' All You Need Is Love? That is, what do you think of the cover? I don't think it's anything to write home about.

(9:22 PM): Shane Victorino update: He is Hawaiian and his finger is not broken.

(9:23 PM): Charlie Manuel update: He is old. And he is a good manager.

(9:24 PM): Man, this is pretty boring to do. I think I'm really going to wrap it up soon.

(9:26 PM): How hot is Elisha Cuthbert? In that picture, she's not only hot but also looks like she'd be a snuggler. I could really waste a Saturday afternoon laying around with her. We could watch TV, talk, stuff like that..and other stuff too ;)

(9:27 PM): Cliff Lee pitched a scoreless inning!

(9:28 PM): Howie Long in commercial. Who is Howie Long? What does he even do? I know he played football..but I mean, what does he do in life? Does he have kids? Does he listen to music? What does he find funny? Jim Gaffigan's stand up?

(9:30 PM): This concludes my World Series Game 5: Minute-by-minute Recap blog post.

Thanks guys! Go Phillies!

My Brother

2009-10-30T03:28:00.002-04:00

This is my brother Matt.

He is my older brother. Today he taught me how to change a flat tire. Matt and I get along. We didn't always, though. Sometimes when we were little we would fight. Matt won most of the time. He is a good brother. We even work together!

Matt is in a band. He likes music, he can cook well, and he drives a Toyota Avalon.

Apartment Search (Part 2)

2009-10-27T00:22:00.005-04:00

I then wrote the next two..got a response..and wrote another:

4/20 - Me

7/23 - Me

8/14 - Eberhart Bros.

8/15 - Me

Apartment Search (Part 1)

2009-10-27T00:12:00.007-04:00

This is the initial email I sent to Eberhart Bros. and their response...

4/10 - Me

4/10 - Eberhart Bros.

Go Phillies YES!

2009-10-26T01:29:00.000-04:00

Apartment Search (Part 3)

2009-10-24T18:12:00.008-04:00

This is the most recent in a series of emails I've written to Eberhart Bros., a real estate company in New York. Maybe at some point I'll post the previous letters (depending on the demand of you the reader). So..enjoy:

10/24 - Me

Podcast!

2009-10-03T17:22:00.000-04:00

Lots of old songs found here...

Subscribe Free Add to my Page

Source Of Yard Art Discovered

2009-10-01T10:51:00.003-04:00

As I was waiting for the m86 crosstown bus to arrive yesterday, I noticed a male figure resting on a pole. I then realized that he was the inspiration for this well-known Leaning Cowboy yard art! You know this one? It can sometimes be found in SkyMall magazine? Anyways, it was really neat to discover the inspiration for this famous lawn decoration silhouette. I snapped a pic of him, too. Enjoy.

Some Updates In My Virtual Life

2009-09-27T21:30:00.004-04:00

Hello blog,

It has been a while since I posted. I would just like to take the time to list some links of new things I've put on the internet lately:

1) New celebrity sightings (updated 9/27/09)
2) New YouTube videos
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-BmofuXbbU (Stand Up)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rlXleOF524g (Music Video)

That's about it. Oh, and the other day, I had earned enough points (76) to get a FREE footlong (12") sub from Subway. It was great! I'll keep U posted.

-Jonh

My Commercial Career Has Begun!

2009-09-12T13:36:00.004-04:00

I am one step closer to my dream of being in a Bud Light (or other domestic light) beer commercial and/or a Pizza Hut (or Dominoes) commercial!

Mindflex

You might find it on the Mindflex homepage as well.

I Made This With Microsoft Paint

2009-08-26T23:32:00.002-04:00

I thought of this T-shirt design while walking to Penn Station earlier today.

New Bad Stand Up Video

2009-08-22T01:02:00.002-04:00

This Is Why I Majored In Latin

2009-08-15T10:46:00.002-04:00

Holy Toledo! This is from Jeopardy's College Championship. The answer was from the category Word Origins. The answer, Polygraph, is right. But the word's origin? Totally wrong! It's not Latin..it's Greek!

In Greek, poly means "many, much" and grapho means "to write". If it were a Latin word, it would be something like Multiscribo, or something like that..(multi= "many", scribo= "to write")

So..again..Holy Toledo! The judges on Jeopardy ought to be ashamed with themselves for this huge mistake. It might seem like I'm joking..and I half am..but when your show's premise is based on facts and accuracy, you can't let something like this slide. Golly..

Well, I hope that the Jeopardy CEO's read this blog and I get monetary compensation for correcting their mistake. That would be the first time I got paid for something related to my college major. Until they read this and pay me, I will continue to wait tables at the Bryant Park Grill and to bring Tuna Salad Sandwiches on Seven Grain Bread to businessmen on their lunch breaks/tourists from overseas.

-Johnny H

Erroneous Terminology

2009-08-13T11:35:00.002-04:00

From an email I sent to Time Warner after a frustrating conversation with one of their representatives:

Hello,

Why do you call the DTV package the digital package and the starter package not digital? They are the same, except the DTV package is just more channels. Why not call it the more channel package? That is what it is. It is confusing that it is called the digital package and it makes no sense. It is just the more channel for more money package. That is all. I think that is a better name. I am not a professional namer but I think I know a little bit about it. Thank you.

Sometimes you have to speak out for what's right.

Video & Life Update (ft. Strozzapreti)

2009-08-05T00:43:00.003-04:00

I went home last week and I was able to put this together:

Other than the video, there are some neat things going on in my life. I worked a party for Michael Kors (?) last night which basically involved me in a black tie, white shirt, and black pants walking around, passing hors d'oeuvres, serving a strozzapreti dish, and then talking to the people as they came for dessert. It was easy, fun, and I got paid for it!

Hm, what else?

Nothing else. Until next time,

-Josh Hastins

UPDATE!

2009-08-01T00:43:00.003-04:00

Ok -

It is 12:43am on a Friday evening. I am currently sitting in boxer shorts and a polo shirt. I just watched Gran Torino (for the second time).

The real update here has to do with Regina Spektor (No, we're not dating..so don't go there! I wish we were, though). So anyways, I ended up watching some music videos of Regina Spektor on YouTube earlier today. BIG MISTAKE! It just made me more attracted to her! And I know what you're thinking - she is 29 years old. That's not a problem. I am 24. The age gap isn't too big. Sure, she probably prefers older, more mature/literary types. But that doesn't mean I can't think about her and watch videos of her on my computer.

Anyways, I'm really over this whole thing. I'm not in love..in fact, if someone were to ask me if I've ever been in love I don't know what I'd say! I'd probably either be honest and say "No" or else I'd get nervous and say some dumb joke like "Yes, I fell in love with my butt once". I don't know. Love is a great thing.

Gran Torino was good the second time around. A little more sad, but still good. But I have to sign off. It's almost 1am!

Don't worry! I'll be sure to update the blog soon. Thank you, Loyal Blog-ites, and have a good night!

-John Haskell

Greetings, Earthlings!

2009-07-31T00:36:00.005-04:00

Loyal Blog-Readers,

How fares life for thee? Medieval speak aside, I am writing just to say that I have begun to upload some of my videos onto UCBComedy.com - something I am a little bit excited about for some odd reason. You can check them out here.

Anyways, that's about it for right now. I can't think of many other relevant life updates. OH! I did have a dream last night in which I made love to Regina Spektor. That was pretty cool. I don't think she'd ever date me, though. I mean, first of all..how would we ever meet? I don't think we frequent the same areas. Also, she's a successful artist and what do I have to offer her? I can't even cook. I'm a no good bumble butt..yes, I said it. A bumble butt. I'll probably never date Regina Spektor, let alone go out to a nice dinner with her just as friends and share a bottle of wine (still just as friends) and have a great conversation.

Whatever, I'm over it. There are so many more fish out there in the sea, you know? And I just read a stat somewhere the other day that the world is something like 95% water. Can you believe that? That is a lot of water. But I'm speaking of figurative "fishes" in figurative "seas" so..life goes on, right? Que sera, sera.

So check out the vids on UCBComedy.com!

Uptight Larry, Episode 5 - "A Date"

2009-07-23T16:59:00.001-04:00

Also, check out Uptight Larry's own YouTube channel!

www.youtube.com/uptightlarry

Celebrity Sightings Has Its Own Blog!

2009-07-01T17:23:00.001-04:00

Check it out here!!!

Or at this Tiny URL: http://tiny.cc/v6gle

Kissez,

-J

Tightly-Laced Athletic Shoes Part 2

2009-06-30T22:40:00.003-04:00

Tightly-laced athletic shoes return. I spotted these on a male individual riding the 5 express train between Grand Central and 86th Street. The shoes were laced very tightly and the tube socks were scrunched down to complete the perfect look.

President Obama Gives Historic Speech In Cairo

2009-06-05T11:59:00.003-04:00

President Obama gave an historic speech in Cairo yesterday. He touched on Islam, Israel, Hamas, Pakistan, Iraq, 9/11, and other things. It was an important speech and he delivered it well.

While in Cairo, Obama visited the Sphinx. He wore a Navy blue polo shirt tucked into light khaki, possibly linen pants. Vice President Biden wore a denim outfit and a hat to shield himself from the sun. Here is a picture.

Going back to the speech, it was an historic one and has got many people talking about foreign relations. However, probably the least talked about part of the speech might be what happened two and a half minutes into it. According someone who was there, Obama's stomach growled a little. It was nothing big, just a minor rumbling sound. The individual who is claiming to have heard Obama's stomach growl said that it wasn't the kind of growl that indicates hunger but it was the type of growl that indicates your stomach is upset, like when you have to poop.

Though this information is not 100% reliable and has not yet been confirmed, all signs point to the fact that President Obama had to take a poop during yesterday's speech in Cairo. He probably rushed to the Egyptian toilets after the speech to drop trou and, in Obama fashion, articulately and eloquently make a poop.

I know this blog entry may seem immature, but please don't accuse me of being immature. To use a well-known phrase, don't shoot the messenger! I'm just reporting facts and allegations that I've come across. Just take the information that I've provided you with here in this blog for what it's worth. All I can say is that Mr. Obama DID give a speech in Cairo, it WAS historic, he DID talk about Islam, his stomach MIGHT HAVE growled during the speech, and he DID rush with quick footsteps and stiff legs - as if trying to maintain composure - to the Egyptian bathrooms after the speech to go poop.

These are facts, this is news. Welcome to the real world, people.

John OUT

Call Off The Dogs - Kurt Loder Is Alive

2009-06-05T11:27:00.004-04:00

As I was browsing the Google News stories today, I noticed in the Entertainment section that two of the top three articles were movie reviews from MTV.com written by Kurt Loder. The two movies he reviewed were The Hangover and Land Of The Lost.

I did not read his reviews. Rather I decided to write this blog entry to inform others who - like myself - assumed that Kurt Loder was dead.

Now I have to delete this picture that I created in 1999 and have stashed in between my mattress and box spring.

Also, wouldn't it be funny if his last name was "Lodder"? Kurt "Lodder"?

I think the MTV guy who is actually dead is John Norris. Now I'll have to create a picture of him with his birth and death dates on Microsoft Paint.

Microsoft Paint is the most professional program I use to edit pictures. Isn't that pretty bad?

Uptight Larry, Ep. 3 - "Laundry Day"

2009-06-04T23:17:00.000-04:00

Good-looking Doctor Admits He Enjoys Smell Of Own Farts

2009-05-31T21:14:00.012-04:00

A doctor with long hair recently admitted that he likes the smell of his own farts.

"I know that I look young, I know that my hair is long, I know that I have soft lips, and I know that I like to smell my own farts," the doctor said, unprompted by any questions pertaining farts or their smells.

The doctor went on to say that he didn't know how to use a stethoscope and that his favorite thing to do when he got home was to sit on the couch naked and watch Wheel Of Fortune.

The doctor, who refused to remain anonymous, is named Brett Cushner. He is expected to be fired early tomorrow morning.

"That is fine. Then I can focus on my true passion," he said with regard to the expected layoff.

What is his true passion?

"Looking good. Ha ha, no just kidding. I don't know. I think I want to be an actor or something. I don't know."

QED

###

Tightly-Laced Athletic Shoes

2009-05-30T12:23:00.003-04:00

This is one of my all-time favorite things. Tightly-laced athletic shoes with medium length ankle socks (preferably worn with khaki shorts by a male with semi-chubby/maybe-hairy legs). I spotted these today, so obviously it's been a good day!

What am I doing with my life?

Clever Shirt

2009-05-28T12:39:00.004-04:00

Today I got up and went down to the local corner store to pick up some milk. 1% Milk. On my way there, I passed a man in his early 40's wearing a green shirt with a pint of beer on it. The phrase "Irish Holy Water" was printed across the front of the shirt. It looked like this:

I got the joke. Irish people are notoriously big drinkers. Ireland also has a strong Catholic history. So it's a play on both of those things - Irish people's holy water is in fact beer. I thought it was funny.

I also thought it was funny that the gentleman wearing the shirt - a man in his early 40's, probably a dad (he looked well groomed, was wearing khaki shorts, and tightly laced athletic shoes) - woke up this morning and said to himself, "I am going to get dressed. What shirt would I like to wear? Oh, I will wear this green T-shirt that says 'Irish Holy Water' and has a pint of Guinness on it. The shirt that I payed money for. Yes, that will be what I will wear today."

Hey loyal readers, if you think that's weird, you know what's weirder? The fact that I'm taking time out of my day to write about this!

What am I doing with my life?

-John :P !!!

Now I have to choose a favorite?!

2009-04-23T01:07:00.004-04:00

"Life is good." - Anonymous

We all know the saying, but it's not always true. Sometimes life is tough. And if you don't mind me comparing my life to a box of chocolates, it looks like I just picked out a poop chocolate.

That's right. While watching the NBA Playoffs on TNT, I learned that there is a new Tyler Perry sitcom on TBS: Meet the Browns. This wouldn't be a problem if I weren't already hooked to House of Payne. However, since I am hooked to the latter, the former presents me with an uncomfortable dilemma: pick a favorite.

Now you may think I'm being irrational here. I could like both shows, right? I don't know. I think that sounds difficult.

You also may be questioning my expertise in discerning between which show is my favorite, citing the fact that I've never watched a full episode of either show. I don't think that's fair, though. I've looked at the fronts of many books in my time and decided on whether or not to read them - and I think I've been pretty accurate with my decisions if I might say so myself.

So where does this leave me? It leaves me at an uncomfortable intersection. An intersection of a happy life in which just one TP show that I can jokingly follow exists and of a conflicted life where I have to jokingly choose between one of two TP shows.

Some may argue that this whole blog entry is irrelevant because if anyone is blogging at 1:20 AM on this specific topic, he or she cannot be taken seriously.

To that I say, "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley" (reference of The Office reference of Airplane!)

In Defense of Augustus

2009-04-06T14:42:00.006-04:00

Lately I've been hearing a lot of comments such as the following:

"Caesar Augustus? Yeah, I know of him. What a dick."

Or:

"Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus - a good emperor? I don't think so!"

Comments such as these frustrate me. Why all of a sudden are many people openly criticizing one of the greatest politicians the world has ever seen? I mean, if you want to know all the things he did, you could check out the Res Gestae Divi Augusti; but he wrote that so it's obviously a little biased. So why don't you hear it from me? That is, let me tell you a few reasons why you or people you know should cut this guy a break and maybe even show him a little respect.

First of all, in 27 B.C., Octavian returned full power to the Roman Senate and relinquished control of the Roman provinces and their armies. Following that, he was given the names "Augustus" and "Princeps" and even awarded a golden shield with the words virtus, pietas, clementia, iustitia inscribed on it. Pretty neat, huh? Yeah, that's what I thought. If you think that is cool, check this out: In 23 B.C., Augustus was granted the power of a tribune!

Secondly, the guy was a great politician. Don't take my word for it, hear it straight from the academic source Wikipedia: "In 28 BC, he melted down 80 silver statues erected in his likeness and in honor of him, an attempt of his to appear frugal and modest" (Wikipedia).

Last but not least, the Prima Porta is an important statue and monument depicting him.

In conclusion, I think I've put to rest any arguments that critics of August may have. He may have died on August 19, A.D. 14, but his legacy lives on. So the next time I'm on the subway or in a deli and I hear the person next to me say, "Oh my gosh - Octavian was such a douchebag!", I will be very angry and probably direct that person to this blog entry.

Feel free to comment on this post with thoughts of your own regarding the great Roman emperor.

As for me, I'm out.

-JWH

Local Man And Others Mad At AIG Bonuses

2009-03-25T11:00:00.005-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - 45-year-old Vincent Sputari isn't just mad, he's "really mad".

"I'm really mad at what is going on with AIG and these bonuses," said Sputari, the manager of a local Italian pizzeria.

According to Sputari, the Wall Street executives are getting bonuses they don't deserve.

"They're not out there busting their butts. They're not in hot kitchens making pizzas. They're sitting in their temperate offices, taking cash from people like me and you. Where's my bonus? I cooked eight pepperoni pizzas yesterday, I didn't see any bonuses. It's like Bernie Madoff, you know? Bailout plan and a recession. The economy."

Mr. Sputari seems to be the voice of an outraged American middle class. Many share similar sentiments concerning what is going on with AIG.

Shirley Ritzman, a local CVS clerk, had this to say when asked whether the AIG executives' bonuses should be taxed and redistributed to the American people: "Yes, I think that should happen."

Ms. Ritzman was backed up by fellow CVS cashier and aspiring musical artist Shane Manning.

"Oh yeah. That should definitely happen, man. I could use the cash, you know?" said Manning.

Manning, Ritzman, and Sputari are part of a growing number of American middle class citizens who are voicing their overgeneralized, sensationalized, relatively-unsubstantiated-by-fact opinions regarding the current state of the economy, the goverment's actions, and other current event stuff. Sputari is hopeful that his voice and the voices of his fellow citizens can help change the state of things in the U.S. and the world right now, but he is also still acutely aware of the day's pizza orders.

"Yes, I feel I am making a difference by voicing my opinion," said Sputari. "But I have to go now. I just received word that we have three pizzas to make. One is a large white pizza - you know, just cheese and garlic? Then we have two of the same: medium thin crust pizzas with sausage, peppers, and onions. I have to go make them."

Sputari then proceeded to walk furtively towards the back kitchen, keeping a close eye on any customers observing him. He paused for a moment, looked a bit nervous, and then finally - unprompted - yelled to everyone in the pizzeria, "Okay! Fine! So I farted. Big deal. It's not like any of you don't fart. I got nervous with the questions this stupid reporter was asking me. The stupid idiot reporter. He made me fart. He made me fart in my butt!"

Sputari then attempted to run out of his restaurant but slipped on a greasy piece of pepperoni and fell on his backside in a silly fashion.

Despite the strange turn of events that took place during this interview, the fact remains that many Americans are upset with the AIG bonuses.

###

Music & Robot Voices I've Created!

2009-03-11T16:10:00.002-04:00

Click on the following links for:

Main music profile page!

My Podcast!

I update this very infrequently and the quality of music is very poor. But it's all done by me! Navigate around if you feel so inclined (i.e., if you are doing nothing productive with your life).

Fart noise,

-JWH69XX

Flattering Write-up!

2009-02-26T15:49:00.004-05:00

Check it out, a cool write-up about me! You can see more at the Stand Up New York blog: Music Is A Joke

Act 2 - John Haskell

John Haskell - Robots and Geico!”

Our second semi-finalist John Haskell came to the stage with his idiots guide to “Reality TV” shows. However, as is usual for this talented young man, he got it all wrong, prompting judge Scott Gray to ask him if his Google was broken. An unusual geeky type, he always comes to the stage with his personal theme song, the crazy thing is it is never the same theme song.

Usually his sets start with some dis-embodied robot (a fan favorite) but this time the robot was not there. But midway through his set, the robot did chime in and let John know that it had just saved a ton of money on it’s car insurance by switching to Geico, then it gave a birthday shout out to Rokkie Gray, and went away obviously distraught at having been cut short by John.

Then John decided to do his “Punked” segment, and his set by improvising some songs with the audience’s reality tv suggestions.

You should really check out his set, here.

President Obama's Hope Dwindles

2009-02-20T12:08:00.004-05:00

In a strange turn of events, the formerly optimistic President Barack Obama has become depressed.

"I just don't know anymore," Obama softly muttered into the microphone at a press conference on Friday morning.

This comes as quite a shock to the American people and could have devastating effects, especially at a time when nation's emotional stability is so vulnerable.

Michael Groton, a 30-year-old dad from Richboro, Pennsylvania is surprised. "I am surprised," said Groton, when asked if he was surprised.

Obama's depression was first noticed by his wife Michelle earlier this week.

"I knew something was up on Monday," said Michelle. "I walked into the kitchen and he was eating oatmeal. Oatmeal. Barack never eats oatmeal. He always has two eggs sunny side up and turkey sausage. I said, 'What's wrong, baby?' and he just hung his head low and said, 'Oh..nuffin'.' He literally pronounced the word 'nothing' as if the 'th' were two 'f's' by saying, 'nuffin''. Later that day, I called Barack in to dinner. He said go away and rolled himself in the blanket of our bed. The next day, Tuesday, he just crawled around the house in the blanket. He seems incredibly depressed."

White House officials say they are currently working with the President to alleviate some of his depression.

"We're trying to tell him a lot of jokes and tickle him," said White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. "I hope it works. I'm not a doctor, but I think that is what we should do."

Whatever the case, it is imperative that Obama snaps out of this mental funk soon. The nation needs his optimistic oratory and hopeful speeches to return.

"We can't have a president who eats oatmeal, refuses dinner, and crawls around in a blanket," said Groton. "We need a president who does other stuff, like talk with nations and make plans on laws. Once we have that, an economic recovery can happen in bipartisan government. I know Obama won't stand for the earmarks of lobbyists, so I hope he can get it together. I have to go, though. I have been holding in a fart during this whole interview. Please don't print that in your story."

###

Link to a "Live Reality Music Competition" I am in!

2009-02-11T14:32:00.001-05:00

http://www.standupny.com/musicisajoke/

Andy Reid Admits Being Distracted By Thoughts of Beef Stroganoff

2009-01-18T20:05:00.009-05:00

After the Eagles' 32-25 loss to the Arizona Cardinals in Sunday night's NFC Championship game, head coach Andy Reid admitted that thoughts of Beef Stroganoff adversely affected his coaching abilities.

"Around the fourth quarter, I began to think about my next meal. I considered various dishes, but ultimately concluded that Beef Stroganoff - the classic Russian dish featuring sauteed pieces of beef served in a sauce with sour cream - would be the tastiest," said Reid in the post-game press conference.

This is not the first time Reid has been distracted by thoughts of food during a game. In fact, it has happened in every game ever during his tenure with the Eagles organization.

"I just get hungry and start thinking about food. It stinks," said Reid.

When asked if he had ever been distracted by thoughts of a cheesy piece of pizza, Reid responded with both candor and humor.

"No...yes!" said Reid with a giant smile on his face. "That was like Doug and Steve Butabi from 'A Night at the Roxbury' when they're asked if they're brothers! That's my second favorite movie of all time - no question about it."

Reid went on for another five minutes listing his favorite movies until a reporter cut him off and got him back on track by asking him a simple question about the NFC Championship game.

What do Reid's players think of his functionally incapacitating thoughts of food?

"That's just who he is," said Eagles running back Brian Westbrook. "It is what it is. I'm a soldier and I just have to keep going into every game like it's a battle. Coach is our sergeant. We've got the artillery necessary to win in the trenches, but it is what it is."

There is no doubt that the Eagles suffered an agonizing defeat on Sunday, and it has only been made more agonizing since Reid revealed his distracting thoughts about Beef Stroganoff. The off-season will be long and the Eagles will have to address many issues as an organization, but Reid seems confident this most recent coaching shortcoming of his won't cost him his job.

"Why would I lose my job? Is it a crime to think of Beef Stroganoff? No way, bro! Whatever. I don't even care anymore. You guys can suck it. I look like a fat walrus. Reid is out, y'all!"

Old Video Series

2009-01-09T04:32:00.002-05:00

This is a link to my YouTube site that has the series which J.D. Swerzenski and I started but never finished:

Me & J.D.'s Series: "John Haskell: Stand-Up Comedian"

Oh 'twas a fun time shooting these..

A New Low for Americans

2008-11-08T14:43:00.005-05:00

Greetings Loyal Blog-Readers,

As you know, this past week was an historic week for America. On November 4, 2008, Barack Obama becamse the first African American president of the United States. This was a great indicator that America is slowly but surely moving in the right direction and showed that the vile grip of discrimination which once so strongly held our country captive is loosening.

However, on November 7, 2008, a middle-aged female contestant on the daytime version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (hosted by Meredith Vieira) was forced to use a lifeline on the following $2,000 question:

"Which author once said, 'There isn't any symbolism. The sea is the sea. The old man is the old man.'"

Out of Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Faulkner, and (I believe) Twain, the contestant had to phone a friend.

Why was I watching this? If you want the truth, I was riding a stationary bike at the YMCA and it was the only thing on that I could watch and understand without using headphones. But this is besides the point.

The point I am trying to make, America, is don't be deceived by the magnanimous event that took place this past week (i.e., Obama's victory). There are blatant problems that exist in our country that need fixing; namely, increasing the average citizen's knowledge of famous novels and their respective authors.

In closing, I'd like to point out that the new version of WWTBAM is not nearly as good as the original primetime version ft. Regis Philbin. And, quite frankly, I don't think any show ever will be. So basically, life is all down hill from here...

-JWH

2008-11-05T01:56:00.002-05:00

Take a look here. It is a classic case study of the political divide. Well actually..in this picture, there is a political merge. Here on the subway, one liberal man is seated next to a conservative. Notice the "Obama" pin, scruffy facial hair, unkempt button up white shirt, floppy hair, and quasi-overweight look of the liberal. While the older conservative has a khaki raincoat (it was not raining this day), the newspaper, a standard haircut, and an average/frail frame. There is no point to this photo other than to display the intersection of two commonly polarized political persons.

Update on the U.S. Economy 9/24/08

2008-09-24T13:15:00.000-04:00

Not to turn this into a sports blog, but...

2008-09-10T18:52:00.005-04:00

I dislike Chad Durbin.

There, I said it. The monkey's out of the bottle (Pineapple Express). He just lost another game for the Phillies. The man has 6 blown saves so far this year. He is a loser. He is a stupid. Here is a picture of him in street clothes..what a loser.

Reasons the Phillies should win the NL East:

2008-09-02T17:17:00.007-04:00

** Please Note: I started writing this blog and then noticed that my first 4 points involved the player’s name. This was unintentional, but any point after the fourth involving the name of a player was done so consciously.

1. Their best player, 2B Chase Utley, has a triple-play first name: it is both a noun, a verb, and the title of a bank. Some may choose to disregard this stunning nomenclatural feat by claiming that his surname, Utley, has seemingly no etymology or cultural origins. Despite these nay-sayers (often Mets fans), the fact remains that Chase Utley’s first name has [at least] three functions. And he has a rugged sexiness to boot.

2. Their second best player, 1B Ryan Howard, has the oft-coveted “double-first-name name”. That is, both Ryan and Howard can be first names. I attribute this fact to his leading the NL in home runs and RBIs. Also note that his name is the same as Michael Scott’s former intern-turned-boss-turned-coke addict from NBC’s The Office.

3. Their best pitcher, Cole Hamels, has a name in which both the first and last parts are strange. He doesn’t let this get to his head, however. He throws the ball fast and wins a decent amount of games.

4. Jayson Werth modestly changed the spelling of him last name from “Worth” to “Werth”. His worth to the team right now is almost invaluable. It would be like if his name had been “Jayson Value” and he changed it to “Jayson Velue”. Thankfully, “Worth” and “Werth” are homophones so Jayson’s admirable attempt at modesty is obvious. Caught ya’, Jayson - but keep up the good “werk” ;)

5. Jamie Moyer is getting very old.

6. Pat “The Bat” Burrell will not help them win. I should not have included him on this list. For some reason I just don’t have too much confidence in the guy. He puts up good numbers and I have no statistical or objective evidence to say that he does not help the team win/pull through in the clutch, but I am basing all of this on my feelings. I've always enjoyed this picture of him however.

7. The re-birth of closer Brad Lidge. This man has been on fire this year, converting (I think) 33 or so consecutive save opportunities this year? I would double check this fact, but I am currently writing this without an internet connection (and chances are once I copy it into my blog, I will be too lazy to check the fact). Who knows. Whatever the case, as long as Lidge stays hot, the Phillies can glide on his wings. Wait a minute: Glide? Lidge? Anagram? Weird…

8. Charlie Manuel. Though most columnists or bloggers choose to focus on the firmness and nice form of his butt, I’d like to take a look at this guy’s ability to coach. Manuel has an advantage having played alongside some greats from the past such as Babe Ruth and Stegosaurus. If you don’t get it by now, I am making an ‘old’ joke. OK - maybe that was a cheap shot at humor, but at least I involved a dinosaur in this one, so it’s educational, yeah? Archaeology. So, don’t knock the importance of a proper education.

9. I didn’t mention Rollins, Victorino, or the ghost of Lenny Dykstra - but they are still reasons I feel the Phillies should win the NL East.

In conclusion, loyal blog readers, if you take anything away from this, let it be that I have way too much time on my hands today as I sit at a table in an AP’s office at a school with my laptop and no internet connection. I have been here since 8am (it is now 2:10pm). My eyes started to do the thing where they get heavy and start closing and my head started to slowly fall simultaneously, only to jerk up quickly once it sunk too low. This happened at about 1:50pm and I decided I needed to do something to stay awake. This is all that came to my mind. Living the dream (Pollock/Greene 2k7). I wish I were at Bay’s.

Peace, love, and ROCK N’ ROLL :P

- John

Mythbusters

2008-08-18T11:56:00.018-04:00

Greetings loyal blog readers,

I am pleased to say that I have returned to the blogosphere. For a while I had been out of the blogosphere and actually doing things in real life (ugh, real life is for losers). But now I am making the effort to avoid physical social interactions and stick to verbal and virtual communication instead.

That said, let me take some time to debunk a few myths and to dispel (or to confirm) some rumors that probably arose during my absence:

Myth #1) John Haskell died.

- Now in a literal sense, this is simply untrue. I am quite alive and well, at the moment. If the myth were to be interpreted figuratively - like if someone were to say, "Eddie Murphy is dead," with respect to his film career or relevance to society - then I will say there is some truth to the myth. That is, I may have figuratively died for a while in that I spent over a month at St. John's University in Queens waking up at 5 AM, teaching during the day, then lesson planning at night until 2 AM and as a result was isolated from society (I couldn't even check Facebook or the New York Times Crossword Puzzle on a regular basis...). So in sum, did I literally die? No. Figuratively? Perhaps.

*N.B. I do not necessarily think that Eddie Murphy's career is over or that he is not relevant to American society/pop culture - these are just things I have heard people say.

Myth #2) John Haskell, despite lots of intense professional work this summer and the inevitability of aging and maturing throughout life, still laughs at fart jokes and robot jokes.

- This is not a myth at all, but a statement of the blatant truth. I'm not sure what it is, but well-timed flatulence joke and a solid android/cyborg/robot joke still get me every time. Does this mean I am not mature? Should this be a red flag that signals some type of stunted growth in my mind's development? Yes and yes. Absofruitly. But I don't know how to change it, so deal with it.

Myth #3) John Haskell beat Criss Angel in a game of one-on-one basketball.

- Fact.

Myth #4) John Haskell stopped drinking coffee and doesn't eat sandwiches for over 95% of his meals.

- Do chickens all of a sudden stop having thin legs and beaks? Absolutely not. It is with that analogy that I am trying to say this myth is completely unfounded. Since the cessation of coffee drinking would lead directly to a loss of my own manhood, I still drink coffee. And since the thought of a good turkey sandwich is what gets me up and out of bed almost every day, I still eat sandwiches for over 95% of my meals.

In closing, I hope I have cleared up some of the confusion that may have arisen during my absence from the blogosphere. I am very happy to be back and look forward to updating it on a more regular basis. Future topics might include sports, entertainment, politics, and/or other broad topics that are usually found as tabs on news websites.

Thank you for taking the time to check this out, loyal blog readers - I know that all of you have been waiting for this! It must feel like a little kid who rides in the car with his mom to the bank and is bored, but eventually discovers that he gets a lollipop from the bank - Mm!

Until my next entry, live life, love life, and remember that our time here is short so embrace the beauty of the world and its inhabitants.

Sincerely,
Yours Truly

My Hot New Track

2008-05-08T13:54:00.001-04:00

"Rage"

Heartbreak and Depression Consume My Morning Web-Browsing

2008-05-06T13:21:00.009-04:00

There is nothing worse than waking up to the news that the one you love has gotten engaged:

The News

Yes, it's true: this is exactly what happened to me this morning. Scarlett Johansson, 23, is now engaged to Ryan Reynolds, 31, although a wedding date has not yet ben set.

Don't do it Scarlett. Let's look at the pros and cons for me and Ryan.

Me: I am 23 years old like you (pro), Michael Jordan was number 23 (pro), Jim Carrey was in a movie called "23" (con), I think you're hot (pro), I only own an Xbox, not an Xbox 360 (con), I just saved a bunch of money by switching my car insurance to Geico (joke..so, pro).

Ryan Reynolds: He is an idiot (con), he dated Alanis Morissette (con), he was in Van Wilder (pro), his facial scruff has been rumored as being too scratchy (con).

When you add up the pros and subtract the cons from them, I end up with a score of +2 and Reynolds ends up with -2. QED.

I'm just saying - Scarlett, if you're reading this (which you probably are), take a look at the objective, factual data I have presented as for why you should not proceed any further in this "relationship" with Ryan Reynolds.

In the meantime I am going to be in my room listening to My Chemical Romance.

Wikipedia pages that I have made edits to so far...

2008-05-05T16:19:00.003-04:00

***Note: This list is here both for me to remember and keep track of my edits (so I can look back on them from time to time and laugh) and also for any of my [many] loyal blog readers who wish to check out the edits I have made. In short, it's kind of a personal "Wikipedia edit" inventory I am posting in a public domain.

1. "Andy Azula"
- Azula has received some criticism for his UPS Whiteboard advertisements...
2. "House of Payne"
- The show is well-known for its frequent advertisements...
3. "Reggie Evans"
- Evans quickly became a fan favorite in Philadelphia...
4. "Gerald Green"
- Green's career up to this point...

The Thoughts of a Masculist...

2008-05-02T18:42:00.003-04:00

Ugh - for those of you who know me, you probably are already aware of my hypersensitive attention to issues of gender and sex. For those of you who don't know me, I wonder why/how you are reading this.

Anyways, there has been a commercial running the past few weeks that has disgusted me. It is an ad by Taco Bell for its new menu item, the Bacon Club Chalupa. Now I do not have any preexisting negative feelings toward Taco Bell or its ad campaign. Moreover, I have even enjoyed many of Taco Bell's past advertisements (e.g., the cute chihuahua who spoke Spanish). What I witnessed in this new ad, however, is neither cute nor canine nor even Spanish..what is the new ad? Blatantly sexist (against males). And as a huge masculist, I must protest and bring this atrocity to light.

In the ad, two good looking girls go to a night club where, according to one of the girls, "so many cute guys" are hanging out. The blonde female smells bacon, and the brunette with whom the blonde came reveals that she has hidden a Bacon Club Chalupa in her purse. Why? "Guys love bacon," she explains. Ew - the nerve to assume that all guys will just flock to bacon!? The commercial pushes the limit (and my nerves) further when 3 males immediately show up to the girls' table and say hello. I inferred from this ad (as it was clearly implying) that the men showed up because of the scent of bacon.

I think that I am speaking for a majority of males when I say that this ad is offensive and Taco Bell ought to rethink its latest ad campaign and show some sensitivity towards males. Until I see an ad where women flock to men at a bar because one has chocolate, sewing needles, and a full season of Sex and the City in his pocket - I think that Taco Bell has only succeeded in offending males.

Watch the ad.

A Hierarchy of Sandwich Spreads

2008-04-30T19:00:00.005-04:00

Hierarchy of Sandwich Spreads
with a foreword by John Haskell

Hi. First of all, thank you for taking some time to read my latest blog entry. I hope that you learn something from it.

Now let's get down to business. In this blog entry I hope to provide you with my personal hierarchy of sandwich spreads. This may raise several questions in the minds of the readers. What constitutes a sandwich spread? Why is this important [to me]? Good questions. The answers to each are a sandwich spread can be made up of anything that is able to be spread upon some type of bread by a knife and this list ("hierarchy") is important [to you] because I feel that my personal opinions about fairly irrelevant matters should be shared with and adopted by the masses. So without any further ado, here is my hierarchy of sandwich spreads:

1a. Chipotle Mayo (preferably with Turkey)
1b. Cream Cheese (obviously with Lox on a bagel; do not be afraid to vary the style of cream cheese, either; for example, lite veggie and lite jalapeno cream cheeses go quite well with Lox on a bagel)
2. Guacamole (again, Turkey is an optimal main meat complement)
3. Regular Mustard (Roast Beef, Turkey, and Ham are all good main meats)
4. Good quality/Jewish/Kosher/Deli Style Spicy Brown Mustard (see 5)
5. Horseradish Spread (Excellent with Roast Beef)
6. Cranberry Mayo (A rarity - but excellent with Turkey; really gives a sandwich that "Thanksgiving Feast" feel)
7. Basil Pesto (Have not had that often, but have encountered it being offered at many places; it seems to be well-liked by patrons of sandwiches and goes well with chicken)

The above list would not be complete if I failed to mention that you should not settle for a sandwich with a simple and plain mayonnaise spread. You can do better than that. It's like, if someone were to offer you a pizza with pepperoni or a pizza with crap on it, you would select the pizza with pepperoni. In this example, the pizza with crap on it is comparable to a sandwich with simple and plain mayonnaise. Thus I have just proved (using logic and facts) why a sandwich with one of the above spreads is better. I hope this helps you not only in your culinary expeditions but also in all other areas of life. If you've made it this far in this entry, you have almost as much free time on your hands as I did to have written this. Thank you and God Bless.

- Jhizzle

Kwik Tipz w/John Haskell: Accidentally Calling Your Ex

2008-04-20T23:09:00.001-04:00

John Haskell's Arbitrary Movie List for 4/15/2008

2008-04-15T20:54:00.000-04:00

Sometimes nothing is better than curling up in front of the TV with family or friends and watching a good movie! If you plan on viewing a movie sometime in the next week or so, here is a list of 3 movies you might want to check out. All movies are judged according to length (in minutes), quality, casting, acting, denouement, and likability.

1) Wild Hogs: When director Walt Becker decided to cast Tim Allen, John Travolta, Martin Lawrence, and William H. Macy as the co-stars of this 100-minute film, some considered it, "one of the greatest groups of actors this century [21st] and all other previous centuries have ever witnessed - an amalgam of professional thespian talent" (Haskell, 2008). This is the perfect movie to watch on a date (preferably a first date); it tells the individual whom you are courting, "Although I am nice, I also have a wild side that is not afraid to shred the figurative road of life." So take a walk on your wild side and watch this crowd-pleaser.

2) Are We Done Yet?: It is quite rare for a sequel to equal or surpass the quality of its original. However director Steven Carr's adaptation of Hank Nelken's brilliant screenplay/story does just that. When Ice Cube (the actor/rapper, not the frozen polygon of water) decides to move with his family to a dream home in the suburbs, insanity ensues. Just when you think nothing else can go awry for Ice Cube and his family as they struggle to adjust to their new home..something goes wrong! This 92-minute film released on April 4, 2007 has already stood the test of one year's time as a classic film and appears headed towards cinematic immortality. (N.B. Despite the fact that the main user comment on AWDY's imdb.com page reads, "Didn't laugh once," remember that thoughts and opinions on the internet must be scrutinized thoroughly before being accepted as valid/credible).

3) M.V.P. 2 (Most Vertical Primate): Not to be confused with its prequel, M.V.P. (Most Valuable Primate), this film is similar to Are We Done Yet in that it follows up (if not exceeds) its original in quality. The film begins with the lovable monkey, Jack, being ousted from his hockey team after he is falsely accused of league misconduct. Instead of turning to fermented bananas like many monkeys do during times of distress, Jack meets a homeless skateboarder named Ben who teaches him the art of shredding. A monkey in a half-pipe!? You're joking, right? Wrong: It happens. And while either the majority of Americans have either not seen this movie or have seen it and consider it disappointing at best, there are a select few who have both seen it and enjoyed it - considering the only disappointing thing is that this film did not win an Oscar. The film runs only 87 minutes and leaves only one question unanswered at the end: Why isn't it longer? Do yourself a favor and check out this funky monkey flick this week!

This concludes my first weekly Arbitrary List of Personal Favorites. If you get a chance to check this movies out, please don't thank me - I didn't make them, I just have an eye for quality films. Stay tuned for more arbitrary lists of mine - I will keep them coming as long as the demand for them remains high.

Namaste,
John

Looking ahead to both my immediate and long-term plans..

2008-03-05T10:54:00.000-05:00

Bam (cf. Emeril Lagasse voice)! What is up my dogs? When last we left off (less than 48 hours ago), I was making a pledge to blog more - so here we go:

A few things have been on my mind lately. One is the 2008 U.S. presidential election. If you'd like some really good insight into many of the matters that lie at the heart of the race, this is a good place to start.

I'm also looking forward to Spring Break 2k8 (SB2k8) - although I'm really just serving an extended spring break in San Antonio this spring. SB2k8 will include a snowboarding excursion in Colorado followed immediately by a weekend getaway filled with debauchery, sand, dudes, bros, chicks, beer, frats, sororities and any other stereotypical terms that can be associated with South Padre Island. Oh heck yes, it should be a good time.

Well..actually I don't have much to blog about today - I really just wanted to post a link to the video above and let my loyal blog followers know of my upcoming "spring break" plans. The title of this blog is misleading, too. I don't discuss any long-term plans on mine. I'm sure they will come in a subsequent blog (rest assured, loyal blog readers!) - so you will be able to know of my plans which should help you to relax.

So I am about to pour a good cup of coffee, chill for a little on the computer, play some basketball and then go wherever the wind takes me. Like a tumbleweed, I flow with the fluctuations of the wind and know not where I will be from one moment to the next. Rather I just gently glide along singing merrily the elfin songs of yore and listening to the rhythm of the pan pipes.

N.B. I'm not high right now.

Love,

Yours Truly

Breaking My Figurative Blog-Fast

2008-03-03T23:28:00.000-05:00

Alright boys and girls, I've been "out tha game" for a while now. "What game is he talking about?" you might be asking. If you are, I'm talking about the game of blogging. "Is blogging actually a 'game'?" you may now be wondering. Again if you are, I'm not sure - but I'm not here to argue semantics or any other type of language bullshit - I'm just here to talk facts about life. "What are some topics that fall under 'facts about life'?" you could be asking yourselves. I'm glad you asked, too, because here's a list of potential topics that I might touch upon in future blog entries: love , people who are annoying , people who rule, the importance of friends, why fart jokes are funny, the depressing realities of growing up,robots, aliens, my awkward daily experiences , and more. In other words, it is going to be a hella good time.

I look forward to it - I hope you all do too.

Always with love,

Yours truly

If my blog keeps progressing (digressing?) in this manner, I'm gonna have to shut it down

2007-02-14T02:24:00.000-05:00

Hey Loyal Bloggers -

It's that time again - and of course by, "that time," I am referring to the time during which I sit shirtless before going to bed (in this case, 1:25am CST) and write down the thoughts that are going through my head. If you'd like to stop reading now due to the imminent excitement that is about to ensue, feel free to. However, if you'd like to experience life in its most full essence and force, keep reading. So, anyways, today is Valentine's Day. Mmm, love, can you feel it?
Well, I'm going to have to move onto a different subject now. I thought a topical entry, namely one relevant to today (i.e., V-day) would be a nice idea for a blog entry..but it's not really a big deal to me right now, so I'll have to move onto the next most blog-worthy topic to me: life. When it comes to broad thoughts and generalizations on life (particularly mine), I'm $. Ah, but I'm not really feeling that either, tonight. No love, no life..ah, this is sounding a bit depressing - hm, but I'm not depressed, either. I am starting to notice, however, that I am beginning to develop quite an introspective blog entry here in which I'm basically holding a conversation with myself/randomly divulging my thoughts. So I can only imagine how fun this is to read. I guess a blog-entry as good as this can only end with a joke as good as the following:

knock knock
who's there?
knock knock
who's there?
oops..
"oops" who?
oops..i did it again.*

The punchline is that, as a result of the "Knock-knocker" saying his/her patended phrase twice, he/she is forced to say, "Oops..I did it again," which is *obviously* a Britney Spears lyric. Now, if you all know me, which you should - because if you don't, why are you reading this blog? (answer: because it's so freaking engaging) - I like to have at least, at least, ONE Britney Spears reference in my blog entries..starting today..and I have sufficiently satisfied the day's minimum requirement. Wow, that's all for tonight.

Here's a picture of an alien pushing a dollie that I found on google.images earlier:

http://members.tripod.com/~doxie_44/gifs/alien.gif

*btw, the above joke was told to me by M.Yoo on 2/13/07

What am I doing with my life?
-yours truly

a winding road to nowhere: an ode to this blog entry

2007-02-07T02:25:00.000-05:00

Oh baby, as if life couldn't get any better..and then I decide to write another post! Bam. I don't know when I took on the persona of an arrogant blogger who has a faithful/loyal audience, but I like it so I'm gonna roll with it..which brings me to my next point - I just used, "gonna," in my entry. I think my entries are going to vary from colloquial speech to proper speech quite frequently, so deal with it. OK, so it's pretty late at night, and what better time for philosophical tangents? (the answer to that question, is of course, there is no better time) So, in this light, I shall proceed. What's up with life? It's all like, "I'm going to be different for every single person and be completely unpredictable, and times will be good and times will be bad." And this attitude of the personified Life can become quite frustrating. However, I guess I try to find peace and solace in feeling that I have somewhat a sense of knowing or control of my own life by kind of doing the little things I can to guide it in the "right" direction (whatever that is) so as to avoid more of the bad times. That last thought of mine was extremely vague, and I worry that its meaning and power might not translate so easily onto the reader, but nevertheless it too shall remain in this entry. Eh, I guess a possible conclusion to this somewhat existential moment could be that, life is both good and bad...it's how you deal with it that matters. I've never felt so cliche in my life...and I'm loving it. But seeing that I've just accidentally dropped the McDonald's motto into this post (cf. "I'm loving it"), I think it's time that I call it quits for this evening...Plus I just realized I'm sitting shirtless and spitting out ambiguously trite ideas on life. Mmm, well it's my blog and I do what I want. Next time I promise to have something perhaps a little more organized...maybe even something artistic like a poem - but I'm not promising that yet. Hope you enjoyed wasting precious seconds of your life by reading what's on my mind - I sure did :)

toodles
-yours truly

boo yah

2007-02-05T02:18:00.000-05:00

That's right - yours truly has just started up a new blog. Will this blog be as sexy as the others that John has done in the past? In short: Yes. I plan to keep my subject matter fresh, witty, and always as grammatically correct as possible for your reading pleasure and my compositional integrity. Since I started out this first entry in somewhat of a Question/Answer format, I might as well continue in that manner. John, are you going to elaborate upon whimsical thoughts, philosophies, and incidents that happen to you? Of course, baby! I try to give the people what they want - and I know that includes facts like I had a sick-ass wrap at lunch today (I combo'd some chicken, guacamole, salsa, and some veggies). Yeah. Jealous? I know - but that's my life. Now, I don't want to overload you with excitement in my inaugural blog-entry, so I'll curtail my ramblings tonight and save them for another time. Consider this a taste of things to come, though. I'm back

-yours truly