Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Local Man And Others Mad At AIG Bonuses


NEW YORK, NY - 45-year-old Vincent Sputari isn't just mad, he's "really mad".

"I'm really mad at what is going on with AIG and these bonuses," said Sputari, the manager of a local Italian pizzeria.

According to Sputari, the Wall Street executives are getting bonuses they don't deserve.

"They're not out there busting their butts. They're not in hot kitchens making pizzas. They're sitting in their temperate offices, taking cash from people like me and you. Where's my bonus? I cooked eight pepperoni pizzas yesterday, I didn't see any bonuses. It's like Bernie Madoff, you know? Bailout plan and a recession. The economy."

Mr. Sputari seems to be the voice of an outraged American middle class. Many share similar sentiments concerning what is going on with AIG.

Shirley Ritzman, a local CVS clerk, had this to say when asked whether the AIG executives' bonuses should be taxed and redistributed to the American people: "Yes, I think that should happen."

Ms. Ritzman was backed up by fellow CVS cashier and aspiring musical artist Shane Manning.

"Oh yeah. That should definitely happen, man. I could use the cash, you know?" said Manning.

Manning, Ritzman, and Sputari are part of a growing number of American middle class citizens who are voicing their overgeneralized, sensationalized, relatively-unsubstantiated-by-fact opinions regarding the current state of the economy, the goverment's actions, and other current event stuff. Sputari is hopeful that his voice and the voices of his fellow citizens can help change the state of things in the U.S. and the world right now, but he is also still acutely aware of the day's pizza orders.

"Yes, I feel I am making a difference by voicing my opinion," said Sputari. "But I have to go now. I just received word that we have three pizzas to make. One is a large white pizza - you know, just cheese and garlic? Then we have two of the same: medium thin crust pizzas with sausage, peppers, and onions. I have to go make them."

Sputari then proceeded to walk furtively towards the back kitchen, keeping a close eye on any customers observing him. He paused for a moment, looked a bit nervous, and then finally - unprompted - yelled to everyone in the pizzeria, "Okay! Fine! So I farted. Big deal. It's not like any of you don't fart. I got nervous with the questions this stupid reporter was asking me. The stupid idiot reporter. He made me fart. He made me fart in my butt!"

Sputari then attempted to run out of his restaurant but slipped on a greasy piece of pepperoni and fell on his backside in a silly fashion.

Despite the strange turn of events that took place during this interview, the fact remains that many Americans are upset with the AIG bonuses.

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Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Music & Robot Voices I've Created!

Click on the following links for:


Main music profile page!


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I update this very infrequently and the quality of music is very poor. But it's all done by me! Navigate around if you feel so inclined (i.e., if you are doing nothing productive with your life).

Fart noise,

-JWH69XX