Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Reasons the Phillies should win the NL East:

** Please Note: I started writing this blog and then noticed that my first 4 points involved the player’s name. This was unintentional, but any point after the fourth involving the name of a player was done so consciously.

1. Their best player, 2B Chase Utley, has a triple-play first name: it is both a noun, a verb, and the title of a bank. Some may choose to disregard this stunning nomenclatural feat by claiming that his surname, Utley, has seemingly no etymology or cultural origins. Despite these nay-sayers (often Mets fans), the fact remains that Chase Utley’s first name has [at least] three functions. And he has a rugged sexiness to boot.

2. Their second best player, 1B Ryan Howard, has the oft-coveted “double-first-name name”. That is, both Ryan and Howard can be first names. I attribute this fact to his leading the NL in home runs and RBIs. Also note that his name is the same as Michael Scott’s former intern-turned-boss-turned-coke addict from NBC’s The Office.

3. Their best pitcher, Cole Hamels, has a name in which both the first and last parts are strange. He doesn’t let this get to his head, however. He throws the ball fast and wins a decent amount of games.

4. Jayson Werth modestly changed the spelling of him last name from “Worth” to “Werth”. His worth to the team right now is almost invaluable. It would be like if his name had been “Jayson Value” and he changed it to “Jayson Velue”. Thankfully, “Worth” and “Werth” are homophones so Jayson’s admirable attempt at modesty is obvious. Caught ya’, Jayson - but keep up the good “werk” ;)

5. Jamie Moyer is getting very old.

6. Pat “The Bat” Burrell will not help them win. I should not have included him on this list. For some reason I just don’t have too much confidence in the guy. He puts up good numbers and I have no statistical or objective evidence to say that he does not help the team win/pull through in the clutch, but I am basing all of this on my feelings. I've always enjoyed this picture of him however.

7. The re-birth of closer Brad Lidge. This man has been on fire this year, converting (I think) 33 or so consecutive save opportunities this year? I would double check this fact, but I am currently writing this without an internet connection (and chances are once I copy it into my blog, I will be too lazy to check the fact). Who knows. Whatever the case, as long as Lidge stays hot, the Phillies can glide on his wings. Wait a minute: Glide? Lidge? Anagram? Weird

8. Charlie Manuel. Though most columnists or bloggers choose to focus on the firmness and nice form of his butt, I’d like to take a look at this guy’s ability to coach. Manuel has an advantage having played alongside some greats from the past such as Babe Ruth and Stegosaurus. If you don’t get it by now, I am making an ‘old’ joke. OK - maybe that was a cheap shot at humor, but at least I involved a dinosaur in this one, so it’s educational, yeah? Archaeology. So, don’t knock the importance of a proper education.

9. I didn’t mention Rollins, Victorino, or the ghost of Lenny Dykstra - but they are still reasons I feel the Phillies should win the NL East.

In conclusion, loyal blog readers, if you take anything away from this, let it be that I have way too much time on my hands today as I sit at a table in an AP’s office at a school with my laptop and no internet connection. I have been here since 8am (it is now 2:10pm). My eyes started to do the thing where they get heavy and start closing and my head started to slowly fall simultaneously, only to jerk up quickly once it sunk too low. This happened at about 1:50pm and I decided I needed to do something to stay awake. This is all that came to my mind. Living the dream (Pollock/Greene 2k7). I wish I were at Bay’s.

Peace, love, and ROCK N’ ROLL :P

- John

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